Edgy Canadian Marching Band Find Lamp Rape Jokes So Funny

The marching band at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario has been barred from participating in remaining scheduled fall term performances for producing and distributing a book of edgy rape and tit-biting jokes. Ah, college. It’s like potty training for the mind, and there’s always a contingent of youngsters who can’t help but shit themselves on the daily.

The Queens Journal reports that the band’s troublesome publication is called The Banner, and it features jokes about getting raped by a lamp, the aforementioned titbiting, and pictures of band members with penises in their mouths rather than trombones and piccolos! In other words, it’s so fucking raw, you guys.

It seems like The Banner reads like an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force with a lobotomy and written by unfunny Canadians. Or maybe what would happen if Perez Hilton decided to pretend he was suffering from Tourette’s for a day. In the past, the publication’s tagline has been “Mouth Raping Your Little Sister Since 1905.”

Apparently the “we poke fun at people who can take it” zine has been published for several years as a sort of diaper for the bandmember’s developing brain. Copies were distributed to newbies and all recipients were warned not to leave their issues laying around, lest they be discovered. But now that an anonymous source has tipped off University officials to the pamphlet’s existence, the Powers that Be have decided to clamp down on both The Banner and the band. Queen’s Bands leaders were immediately called to meet with administrators, and following that meeting,
Queen’s Bands leaders sent an email to members ordering that every hard (huh huh hard) and digital (huh huh digital) copy of The Banner be destroyed. You know who else burned books? Nazis. Man, that’ll be a great joke for next year’s issue of The Banner! Bowties are going to spin like never before.

But that’s not all administrators have in their Punishment Chest. Performances have been cancelled, yes, but if the band hopes to be reinstated, they’re required to take Human Rights and Equality training and work on an action plan in order to prove that they’re getting less dumb. Sad trombone.