Dude Calls Bullshit On Cosmo's Dude Decoding

Illustration for article titled Dude Calls Bullshit On iCosmo/is Dude Decoding

Over on testosterone-fuled blog DoubleViking, Kevin Palmer has written a piece called "Lies Cosmo Tells Women." You see,Cosmopolitan has a dude-decoding feature, "Understanding His Baffling Behavior," which explains why men do what they do, and in his piece, Palmer, an actual man, corrects the magazine's editors, laying out the truth. For instance: Why do guys always sit with their legs splayed? Cosmo says women are taught to keep their legs together as a way of not inviting sex. Notes Helen Fisher, PhD, "In contrast, a man is saying, 'Come and get it.'" Palmer's argument? "It is a comfort factor, are we supposed to sit there with our legs crossed or tightly put together with our hands placed upon our knees? That isn't comfortable." Huh. We thought it was because the menfolk like to keep air flowing around the junk area! Fascinating! So, hey, why do guys hardly ever change their sheets?


"Men have a weaker sense of smell," Fisher explains. "Guys aren't as likely to notice... that they're snoozing in stinky sheets." [Ask my ex boyfriend. -Ed.] That's not it, Palmer claims. Men are plain old lazy! He writes: "Do you know how much a pain in the ass it is to put that fitted sheet on?" Well here's one we agree on! And, for the record, not all women change their sheets all the damn time. Although maybe today we will, now that we're thinking about it.

As for why guys assume that other guys they don't really know are losers, Cosmo posits that it's a caveman thing, i.e. anyone not in the inner circle is the enemy. And a threat. Grr! Palmer calls bullshit on that too. "Guys don't do constant evaluation of other guys, unless we are sizing them up for fighting purposes. This is a feminine trait, and stating that we think in the same manner is false." Feminine trait? Hmm, not sure about that. But also, aren't guys who think strangers are losers just projecting? As for why men prefer women to be on top (Cosmo says "Pleasing you is a priority," Palmer says guys "would rather bring you to orgasm with you not leading the way... Sitting there and letting you use us like a chair-mounted dildo detracts from the ego boost."). We think, top or bottom, isn't the guy just thankful to be getting laid? Lastly, to answer the question "Why do guys need to win at everything?" (Cosmo blames testosterone, Palmer blames "No Fear" T-shirts) — we'd like to ask: Who likes to lose? And since when is it gender-specific? Also: Why doesn't Cosmo hire a man to decode dudes?


Lies Cosmo Tells Women [Double Viking]

Related: Pointless Banter [Kevin Palmer]

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Rooo sez BISH PLZ

@rubyruby: Ode to Boys with Phantom Penii (AKA Those Who Sit With Legs Too Far Apart on the Train):

Phantom Peen don't make my life (doo-dah, doo-dah)

big cause of attitude and strife (o doo-dah day)

do they think it's gonna hit the floor (doo-dah, doo-dah)

let's squeeze it in the closing door (o doo-dah day)

no room to sit

guess I'll stand today

and if the Phantom Penii ride the "6″

I'm gonna take the "A"