Duck Boot-Loving Man Sues L.L. Bean, Says He's 'Harmed' By Stricter Return Policy 

L.L. Bean-heads were shocked and appalled last week when the retailer decided to rescind its famously lenient return policy, which allowed anyone to send back anything for eternity, no questions asked. But if exploiting loopholes is one of the cornerstones on which this great nation was founded, the other is filing ridiculous lawsuits when things don’t go your way—which is exactly what one Illinois man is doing, obviously.

Longtime Bean fan Victor Biondi has filed a class action lawsuit against the company on the basis that its change in policy is “deceptive and unfair,” the Press Herald reports. His argument is that the policy was “a core component of L.L. Bean’s marketing,” which is wrong—monogrammed tote bags are a core component of the company’s marketing, not the idea that you’re entitled to free shit forever because you’re taking unfair advantage of a generous system.

But Biondi is forging ahead. “The warranty was a basis of the bargain with the sale of L.L. Bean products,” the suit alleges. “Because of L.L. Bean’s unilateral refusal to honor its warranty, plaintiff and the other class members were harmed and have been deprived of the benefit of the bargain.”

“Unilateral refusal, my butt,” responded L.L. Bean (paraphrased). The retailer pointed out that the restriction only applies to items bought after February 9, when new policy was implemented.

Assuming Biondi is in fact the lifelong Bean Buddy he claims to be, he should have no problem returning his storehouse of Big Woods Tents forever, until there’s no longer any Big Woods on Earth near which to pitch them. Truthfully, that’s the part he should be more concerned about anyway.