Around this time last year, the man with two dicks and an award-winning attitude took the internet by storm, earning himself the fourth-highest ranking AMA on Reddit and gracing the pages of every website you’ve ever visited. And then he wrote a book, which is so thirsty I wanted to ship him a crate of Gatorade after every page.
Diphallic Dude’s memoir Double Header: My Life With Two Penises is a bestseller on Amazon’s kindle store (#472 on the list) and is being read far and wide by both fans and bloggers alike. He’s given interviews to Dr. Drew and The Washington Post wrote a glowing review of his book, calling him brave and honest. I agree with the fact that coming out about his condition in order to normalize his own experience and the experience of others is awesome and I’ve been a huge fan since the AMA, but there’s something that reviews of the book are missing: The fact that almost everything in it sounds like it is bullshit.
Here’s what I believe about Diphallic Dude:
- He’s 25.
- He’s good-looking and muscular (He mentions this a lot. The book is only 70 pages long and I lost track of how many times he reminds the reader that he loves to work out and has a bubble butt and could do porn if he wanted, but he doesn’t want to and never will).
- He has two dicks.
- His family is very supportive.
- He has a very good imagination, but a lack of understanding of both the human anatomy and how people have sex. He refers to sexy pussies as big and tan at one point, which is just, well, no.
- That people thank him regularly for what he’s doing because his bravery helps them cope with their own lives.
- That he can stick a two-liter of coke up his butt.
Here’s what I don’t believe about Diphallic Dude:
- Mostly everything else.
Here’s the thing: A great deal of the memoir focuses on DD’s sexcapades, which are interesting, if badly written and improbable. When he’s not repeating himself over and over—there’s a FAQ, questions from the AMA and entirely similar questions from another forum—he’s writing about his lurid sexual past in exhausting and painstaking detail that reads so much like erotic friend fiction that it’s hard to get hard over it. Instead, I found myself shaking my head and saying “I don’t think this man has ever seen a vagina in his entire life” in the same way I shook my head and said the same thing the first time I took a creative writing class and read a story in which a man came inside a woman’s clavicle. And this is supposed to turn you on, by the way. But don’t worry if it doesn’t. I certainly found myself high and dry while trying to keep up with the narrative.
DD claims that his book was released by some shadowy publisher who agreed to let him keep his anonymity in exchange for all proceeds (his anonymity is very important and I respect that), but Amazon lists the book’s publisher as DDD Publishing, and the only record of a publishing house with that name exists in Germany and is focused on music. In addition, I have a hard time believing that any good editor and proofreader would allow the book to go out in this way, with LOLs spread throughout, misspellings and grammar errors as far as the eye can see, numerous instances of contradiction and the same content barely repackaged over and over again just to pad the page numbers. I’d like to know as much as possible about having two dicks as the next guy, but I don’t know if I needed to read actual comments about how great everyone thinks DD is on the internet, even if they did come with the Redditors’ permission.
Why bother saying all that? Because to me, it feels like this book was self-published, unedited and is a collection of made-up stories that DD wrote to perpetuate his 15 minutes (they are nearly up) and to aggrandize himself. That wouldn’t be a problem if he were upfront about it or made it clear that his stories were exaggerated for comic or sexual effect (which no one who’s ever written a memoir can’t be accused of doing) but he repeats several times that everything in the book is true and I just don’t buy it. Here are several examples of what rings totally false, ranging from minor to major to everything in between.
- He claims to have turned an innumerable number of men “gay.”
- He details an erotic encounter in the gym where he and an another man (again, straight; now married) had such a hot time that DD glazed his curious trick from head to toe with hot white cum that shot out of him like the geysers of Yellowstone. (And which he must have left for the poor cleaning people to scrub up.)
- He claims that he met a woman who had a vagina he could see to the back of and that he penetrated her cervix, until it fell out and then he did it over and over again.
It’s about to get graphic and weird, but it needs to be done. (Also, I apologize for the fact that I have to point this out, but DD refers to vaginas and anuses as “yawning” a lot, which, frankly kind of skeeves me out. I don’t know why, but I needed to share it.)
A passage from the book:
“You like feeling my dicks hammering your cunt?”
She gasped and covered her mouth and nodded silently as I hammered harder making her moan.
“You want me to fuck your womb?” I growled as I ran my hands down her chest to her abdomen which was rising up and down constantly”
Hot. Good. Moving on to the even less believable part.
She let out a howl as I swore my cock pushed through her cervix as I pushed down on her abdomen with almost all of my weight.
“Seriously, ow, it feels like your [SIC] in my stomach right now.”
“Are you okay?”
“My pussy feels so weird right now”
I looked down at it and felt my mouth drop open. Her cervix was hanging out between her lips. I couldn’t believe it, it looked like I had actually gone into it, it was wide open and red and resting against the sofa cushion.
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” I paused trying to find the best way to put it.
“What?” She sat up suddenly and cringed.
“You’re inside out,” I said it as calmly as I could.
“You really did fuck my womb,” she gasped quietly as she felt around.
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“My fucking pussy is inside out and I can put two fingers in my cervix and you think you didn’t fuck it?”
The good news is that DD is wrong at best and fabricating at worst. I consulted with Women’s Health Practioner Alexis Paulson, APN, WHNP-BC, who told me that, first of all, a cervix would need to be dilated and well-lit for one to see to the back of it (she pointed out that this could exist, she had just never heard of something like it) and that in order to actually dilate the cervix (which a penis couldn’t do), you’d need to use more than one instrument and it would be incredibly painful for the person whose cervix was being dilated. It wouldn’t be a fun story, it would either be a very painful experience or a possible medical emergency.
To visualize a cervix you need to open the vagina with a speculum and you need direct light. To penetrate a cervix with anything wider than a stick of uncooked spaghetti you would have to dilate it with even more instruments, which would be very painful. You would need an additional instrument (tenaculum) to straighten out the uterus to avoid perforation of the uterus. Inserting anything non-sterile into a cervix could easily cause severe infection. The cervix is mostly closed, and coated with a thick layer of mucous, to keep anything out that’s not supposed to go in.”
Here’s a diagram of what would need to be done just to straighten out the uterus.
DD mentions in his book not to listen to naysayers on the internet who say it can’t be done, but Paulson isn’t an internet naysayer (I am, though), she’s a trained medical professional who’s saying that this is literally unbelievable.
The idea that DD might have literally fucked a woman inside out is less something physically possible and more in the realm of a violent male fantasy which he needed to ramp up for the dramatic effect that only two male appendages on one man could provide.
-That he had sex with like a gazillion people at a party, was accosted by the fiancee of one of the men there (the man’s facial hair, at the time, was glazed with cum) and told that he had ruined the relationship. Once the fiancee stalked off, the man DD had had sex with said (and I’m paraphrasing) “thanks, I didn’t want to marry her anyway, but I want more of you.)
-That he was the sugar baby of an older woman who was too classy to ask him for sex but let him live in her house, kicked him out when she found him having an orgy in her living room and yet gave him $50,000 to start a new life for himself.
I believe you, dot gif.
And then there are the bigger problems:
-The subtle denigration of sex workers throughout the book. DD makes it clear he would never do porn or escort (even though people who don’t even know he has two dicks are like “you should be a male prostitute” like all the time).
This is discussed several times throughout the book. DD refuses to refer to porn actors as actors because they’re not acting, they’re “fucking,” he discusses his sugar-mama situation while reminding the reader that he wouldn’t have sex with this woman (it’s implied that it’s because it might be construed as prostitution) while having sex with other people with whom he doesn’t have an arrangement, and he also discusses feeling uncomfortable at a party full of porn stars and escorts partly because they were porn stars and escorts. He tries really hard to be sex-positive, but kind of fails in the attempt. Which isn’t to say that there’s anything wrong with being against doing porn, but at one point at the height of his popularity, DD used to tweet at porn stars asking them if they could take him. (These tweets appear to have been deleted. His Twitter now, by the way, is full of promotion for his book, denials that he’s upset he’s lost followers and vehement protest against Lena Dunham for being a sexual abuser. He also openly criticizes anyone who’s a “hater” or skeptical of his claims.)
More troubling, DD recounts an anecdote in which he and his friends humiliate a sex worker by taking her back to their hotel room and surprising her with the double dicks, something that DD seems to like to do (or say he likes to do) a lot:
I actually scared a hooker once. Me and two buddies picked one up and when we got back to the hotel room...
“So three dicks, that’s $200 per dick.”
“Actually, there’s 5 dicks.” I couldn’t stop smiling.
“I didn’t agree to no gang-bang. Three guys is my limit.”
I take my dicks out and she starts backing towards the door.
“No, I’m not doing any of that freaky shit, forget it.”
Leaving aside that DD can’t do simple math (three guys, one with two dicks is still four dicks, not five), this anecdote, which is categorized as a “funny moment,” is clearly an attempt to humiliate a sex worker for the sake of humiliating a sex worker. So happy was DD to surprise her, that he couldn’t even stop smiling! Or do math! And everyone probably high-fived after. In slow motion.
But if only that were the end. DD takes the issue of humiliation and dubious consent goes even further in the funny stories section. Here’s another troubling incident.
-DD states that he doesn’t condone rape or any other form of sexual violence (good!) but meets a man who has a “power bottom” asshole and just decides to stick both dicks in there without even mentioning it to him... just because he’s sure the guy can take it. (Bad.)
I’m just going to quote here:
I actually kept my left dick in my jeans once while this cute shaggy brunette blew me. He had no idea I had two. So he starts begging me to fuck him...
One glance and I knew he was a power bottom. I whip out my left dick what had gotten harder than usual at that moment and after a few wads of spit, I shoved both in his ass. He howled and arched his back and let out a loud groan.
“What the fuck is going on?” he groaned.
“What do you mean,” I panted as I continued to pump them into his loose hole.
“It feels like you’re stuffing two cocks in me.”
“If I was, would that be a bad thing?”
I don’t know, it might be a good thing, if you’d discussed it beforehand. But there’s a huge sense of entitlement here that, if this story’s true, shows that DD isn’t as stuck on the idea of consent as he claims to be. While he says he’s against sexual assault (in general), he still thinks he gets to make the call about who can and can’t handle his dicks. He completely disregards the fact that just because someone consents to one sexual act doesn’t mean they’ve consented to another. Because who wouldn’t love the two dicks that launched a thousand ships?
Here’s what happens upon reveal:
The mattress was soaked, his ass wide open and gaping. I tugged them out and went to the bathroom. A moment later he walks in as I’m taking a piss, looks down and sees them again and then looks up at me and full out faints right there in a pile of laundry.
Lol. “Funny story.”
And here’s one more thing I had a problem with: DD makes claim after claim that he doesn’t want to become a novelty or have sex with anyone he meets, there’s no internal logic in the book. Only pages after pointing out that he’s had sex with scads and scads of people, he says that he doesn’t do one-night-stands and waits to have sex with someone until he gets to know them.
While the book isn’t particularly interesting and generally doesn’t give one a glimpse into DD’s life any more than the AMA or his Tumblr or Twitter would (luckily, it was free with my Amazon Unlimited subscription), it does focus on the fact that DD had a difficult time growing up due to the bullying he received from people at school and the constant homophobia he faced. It sucks, it isn’t fair and DD is absolutely right when he says that people mock or hurt people they don’t understand, even when those people might possess talents (or appendages) the bullies might not and which may be appreciated later in life. All true.
Here’s where I think the problem is: I believe that DD has had sex and I do believe that his life has changed considerably since that time. But I also believe that he, like many bullied kids do when they become adults, might be reinventing himself and making up a history that makes his life sound more awesome or extreme than it is in order to combat those feelings. And like many of us who try to do that, he goes overboard, shooting his conquests into the stratosphere and then recounting them in ways that are impossible and hard to back up. As I was reading this book (and to some extent even when I read the AMA) I kept thinking, how is it possible that this guy has done so much with so many people in so many ways and is still able to keep his privacy? It could be that people don’t kiss and tell or that it really just doesn’t matter, but considering his fame and popularity on the internet, it just doesn’t seem feasible that a site like TMZ wouldn’t have his identity on lock. I could, of course, be very wrong about this and just assuming that DD’s experiences are straight out of his head (or, if not, at least ramped down much, much less fantastical), but that’s not what it feels like. In the end, his book reads less like an account of what having two dicks is actually like, and more like a fantasy of what having two dicks—and taking full advantage of them—might be.
Taking it even further, it’s feasible that because DD has two penises, perhaps he feels like has to take the traditional male fantasies to the next level. Double them. Make them more intense. He writes often about ruined pussies and gaping assholes, making it seem that he leaves a wasteland of blasted orifices in his wake—and isn’t this part of the male fantasy we know so well from conversations about sex and popular culture? The idea that after sex someone is ruined, broken off or needs an entire pack of cigarettes and one to five glasses of ice water?
In DD’s furious attempts to not become a novelty, his writing ensures that he becomes one. The book reads like a man who’s pulled in different directions by his desire to be “normal,” as well as the constant push-and-pull to buy into people’s ideas of who he is. Could he, in his attempt not to objectify himself, be objectifying himself even more? And could this book speak directly to a confusion of identity? One section details the handwritten notes of encouragement he used to leave on his Tumblr, which were mostly ignored by readers—in the midst of descriptions about having entire hands shoved up his ass while he baptizes his new converts like freshly-baked Krispy Kremes.
Perhaps DD will write another book (one edited and revised this time) that will discuss his day-to-day life in more detail, now that he’s exorcised detailing his carnivalesque sex acts. I’ll look forward to it— because I’m still a fan. I just want to know more about the man behind the two (admittedly) impressive dicks in a way that doesn’t sound like we’re standing by the punch bowl at his ten-year high school reunion and he’s trying his hardest to convince me he’s invented post-its.
Illustration by Jim Cooke.