We just got the new issue of Glamour, and after the jump we'll even show you the cover! We haven't made it through its Chaucerian heft yet BUT, would we be the target audience for these things if we weren't going to make snap judgments based on totally superficial qualities?

Speaking of first impressions! There's a story about the perils of online dating. Gina Zucker met her boyfriend "Sockrahtease" (LOL) in the midst of a Match.com binge. But interesting! She met him in person first. After a heavy heavy-petting session she sneaked back home to beam up his Nerve.com profile and... he'd spelled "you're" "your" and looked like a total douchebag. So yeah, she broke up with him. Wait, NO! It taught her a valuable lesson. And they are now married. (We totally wish the grammatically correct best for there kids!!!)

Then there's a story about cover girl Katherine Heigl. We wonder, do you know how we feel about Heigl and everything she touches? She points out in the interview that the fact that she is drinking wine during the interview means she's really not that Mormon, which we guess is the batshit religion equivalent to the Calista Flockhart chomping into a cheeseburger move, but we don't really care, partic because she tells us Knocked Up co-star Seth Rogen's line "Don't worry, I'll pay for vaginal reconstructive surgery!" was an AD LIB. which is probably false but WHO CARES?


In other news of blondes Jessica Lynch, one of those Iraq war heroes that really wasn't, TELLS HER STORY. It's kind of boring because, I mean, people who are blonde (aka, not that smart) are not that great at telling stories but there is a pretty good line about how totally not hot she looked when she was rescued:

My weight was down to 75 or 80 pounds. Plus I was almost bald; the doctors had shaved the top of my head because of a gash, but had left my hair really long in the back. So I had this Joe Dirt look going on. (Joe Dirt = Britney?) It was a nightmare. Imagine all these problems, and I was worried about my hair.


This month, that little prank Glamour always does involves a girl named Raquel Pedrayes running around with mascara all over her face. She meets a bunch of kinda aggro guys "with New York accents" who want to punch out whoever it was that made her cry so bad. Oh, man, kinda sick, but OK!

And someone else sticks it to the wedding-industrial complex, tabulating the costs of her $262 elopement. Which is nice, but no one gets drunk at an elopement! Would it have killed her to buy a few kegs for after?