Do You Care Who Condi Crushes On?

Illustration for article titled Do You Care Who Condi Crushes On?

Unlike our friend Spencer Ackerman, I am not a "reporter." I just write stuff on the Internet. Of course, a real reporter would probably view the opportunity to interview Condoleezza Rice as a chance to ask her in-depth questions about the ongoing and increasingly bloody war in Afghanistan, how it feels to be running an agency that she once successfully marginalized when attempting to execute two wars in the White House or how, as a scholar, she would view the distinct shift in direction this Administration has made on foreign policy. Or, you could be like Politico scribe Mike Allen and ask her about football and her celebrity crushes! After the jump, Spencer and I parse the appropriateness of that, the foul-mouthedness of the liberal blogosphere, the call for trolls, race, gender, poppies, ethanol and Empire America. Fucking right I went there!
MEGAN: Fucking top of the fucking morning to you, motherfucker! SPENCER: How's my favorite bitchcuntwhore this morning? MEGAN: This bitch is kind of feeling like a complete asshole for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that my shitty fucking mouth allowed some cocksucker at the Washington Times to write an article about how cuss-filled the liberal blogosphere is. Also, what the fuck? Does he not live in D.C.? Casual workplace profanity is a lifestyle here. SPENCER: Here's what I love about this asshole:

The top 10 liberal sites (Daily Kos, Huffington Post, Democratic Underground, Talking Points Memo, Crooks and Liars, Think Progress, Atrios, Greenwald, MyDD and Firedoglake) have a profanity quotient of 14.6.


MEGAN: Hey, one of your homes makes the list! Bitchin'! SPENCER: FDL hosts my blog, and ThinkProgress used to, and I worked for TPM before that. NOBODY BUT NOBODY cursed on ThinkProgress before I got there and no one curses now that I'm gone, so I'm responsible for TP's entire profanity quotient. MEGAN: That's an impressive fucking accomplishment. SPENCER: TPM is entirely sweetmouthed, with the occasional dirty word in comments, but not even that often. this no-Polk-award-having douche put TPM in this list to smear it, discrediting its achievements on, say, getting Alberto Gonzales to resign and exposing McCain's big oil connections. MEGAN: Also, you know my significant fucking methodological problem with his study? There's no distinction made between Republican trolls swearing on liberal sites or vice versa. If all the cussing is done by Republicans on Kos — not that it is — then his entire thesis is off. SPENCER: ...on FDL we curse and curse heartily, though. Yes, very good point. And you know who encourages trolling like a fucking Dungeonmaster? John McCain!

On McCain's Web site, visitors are invited to "Spread the Word" about the presumptive Republican nominee by sending campaign-supplied comments to blogs and Web sites under the visitor's screen name. The site offers sample comments ("John McCain has a comprehensive economic plan . . .") and a list of dozens of suggested destinations, conveniently broken down into "conservative," "liberal," "moderate" and "other" categories. Just cut and paste.


MEGAN: I know! And then their webmaster will go check on it for you! SPENCER: First McCain wanted to ruin the country, but now he wants to ruin the internet. this shit has gone TOO FAR. Notice, however, that McCain's blog, run by a Weekly Standard asshole who tried and failed to get me fired from ThinkProgress, is too pussyassed to allow comments. MEGAN: Did you see his list of approved liberal sites? ColoradoPols, Crooks and Liars, DailyKos, MyDD and Think Progress. SPENCER: It's a good strategy for him: troll, so our communities can fuck the trolls up. Someone needs to explain the internet to him. McCain's desire to throw soldiers into unwinnable wars makes a lot more sense now! MEGAN: What is hilarious to me is that they pick 5 liberal sites, 5 "moderate" sites — including Politico and the Washington Post's "The Fix" blog — and 10 blogs they classify as "other"... and then 35 right-wing blogs. SPENCER: This suggested talking point for trolls is AWESOME.

There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences between the candidates. And we will argue about them, as we should. But it should remain an argument among friends; each of us struggling to hear our conscience, and heed its demands; each of us, despite our differences, united in our great cause, and respectful of the goodness in each other.

HAHAHAHAHA yes the McCainiac trolls will take to dKos to spread this one. MEGAN: It's like... who even is going to buy that shit on the Internet? Also, I don't have to struggle to hear my conscience, it's saying "Don't vote for the weird old guy who wants to take away your right to an abortion but doesn't think it's important to pass pay equity legislation." Or something like that. SPENCER: hahahaha someone put an Obama 08 sticker on the Straight Talk Express. MEGAN: It might also be saying "You should call your mom." Oh, wait, that was andBegorrah once. Damn her! SPENCER: I should really call my mom, but I hate using the phone with the passion of 1000 supernovas. Anyway, you know what question I'm dying to ask Condoleezza Rice? The one Mike Allen of the Politico asked:

When asked her Hollywood crush: "Oh, I've got lots of them. I mean, doesn't everybody love Denzel Washington?"


MEGAN: Man was that his way of fishing for the lesbian question? Oh, no, just being a sexist. SPENCER: 1) She's the fucking Secretary of State. You think he would ever ask Colin Powell that? MEGAN: Actually, would he ask Madeline Albright that? SPENCER: 2) Yes, he was obviously trying to get her to say "Why, now that you mention it, I'm a — what's the term they use on Jezebel? — right, right, Lezebel. I am a lezebel. Are you happy now? Feel proud of yourself, professionally?" MEGAN: I think it's important to chuck into the mix here the fact that he wouldn't ask Maddie that, either. But a black woman was fair game. There's been a lot of talk about how African-American women are either angry finger-snappers or over-sexualized in media portrayals, and then Mike Allen asks her about her fantasy life in an interview. SPENCER: That didn't occur to me, honestly. I should have read your comment before I tapped out an angry email to a listserv that I'm on with Allen internet feud! Good for exercising my profanity muscles. The ones below my delts. MEGAN: I mean, also, can you imagine the uproar if she's said someone else? Someone too young or (gasp) not black? Although, I'd give her props if she referenced the upcoming Bush movie and said Josh Brolin (who is portraying Bush) and thus made fun of the question and the whole "she's in love with George" theme. SPENCER: You know what I'd ask Condoleezza Rice, whose secretary has declined every interview request I've ever put in? Anything but trivial shit about her personal life. I mean, this is a fucking enabler to a war criminal we're talking about! I'd ask her how she feels about the 500th U.S. troop death in a war she cares about not at all. MEGAN: That's what I was going to ask you about, actually? SPENCER: I get these troop death emails from the Pentagon, and the last three months or so, the Afghanistan death notices — practically a trickle in 03-05 — have been as torrid as during the worst days of the Iraq war. MEGAN: You know what? If McCain used email, I'd want him to get signed up for those emails. SPENCER: Nor are they going to stop — if I can link my Windy piece this morning, Barry McCaffrey just came back from A-stan, and this is what he found:

As U.S. military casualties mount in Afghanistan, a retired four-star Army general, who just returned from reviewing the six-plus-year war effort, said the country "is in misery" and describes the war as "a 25-year campaign."


MEGAN: Well, at least the troops won't have far to go when McCain ends the Iraq War in 2013. Of course, by then, it'll be a 50-year campaign in Afghanistan, but no worries. We'll surge again and again and again. Or not, because they only have heroin and not oil. Can you make ethanol from poppies? SPENCER: I did an interview yesterday with the Afghan ambassador to the US, I should've asked him that. MEGAN: I mean, if you can, we should stop forced eradication programs and just set up a few ethanol plants or something, and then they'll have fuel for our cars and something else to do with the poppies. SPENCER: As Al Gore says, though, you can't skin-pop your way out of the energy crisis. MEGAN: Actually, I kid. You can make ethanol from anything, including grass and sugar cane (which is how they do it in Brazil). You can make it from agricultural waste products. Just, you know, not here because Chuck Grassley made sure that that it's all-corn, all the time. Plus we keep super-high import tariffs on ethanol, but if Afghanistan and Iraq are going to be Empire America's newest colonies, I'm sure we'd learn from the British example and not impose high tariffs on manufactured goods shipped in from the colonies. Of course, if we were going to learn from the British example, we probably wouldn't take on colonies that require huge military outlays. SPENCER: It took the British quite a while to learn that lesson, I recall. MEGAN: Well, if we're only in Iraq for 100 years, then I guess we'll be better than them. So, fuck it.

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Erin Gloria Ryan

I have this theory that there are a disproportionate number of high profile republicans with names that sound like the names of followers of Voldemort. Condoleeza Rice, terrifyingly pictured here, is one of my favorites.

(Full disclosure: Every time I hear the name of a Republican and think, VOLDEMORT!, I put it on a list. There are like 50 names on my Death Eating Republicans list.)