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Do, Make, Be, Barf: The Year in Goop

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Yeah, I get that making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop empire is a bit 2009 (vintage!), but the thing is that she just keeps doing stuff. I'm supposed to stop making fun of her just because we already made fun of her a bunch some other time? When she insists on continuing to do hilarious stuff? NNNNNOPE, SORRY. I find it impossible to really dislike Gwyneth—she seems genuinely sweet, plus Chris Martin was so utterly delightful on Extras—but I still think she's goofy as hell. Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world's best comedy. And making fun of her is pretty much a victimless crime because she's literally the queen of earth and space. So let us commence.

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2012 was a super exciting year for Stacey McGill oops Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood oops La Llorona oops sexy shaved wampa oops a glancing sunbeam oops Lady Amalthea oops that chick from the Orbit commercial oops Jadis and/or the Lady of the Green Kirtle oops a pile of Celtic sea salt with a wig on it oops Gwedgar Winter oops GWYN-DOGG (sorry about all the typos; my fingers are stuck together with royal jelly and spider honey)—she discovered a sensitivity to oats, upgraded from regular shoes to golden shoes, and went beyond yoga. Let's take a look back at 2012's most memorable goops.

MAKE

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Gwynnie likes to start the year out strong with a bunch of diarrhea, so she and her house-shaman developed something called "the goop cleanse." It's like a regular cleanse, but goopier. It costs $425. Goop rhymes with poop.

In April, Gwyneth went to the food sensitivity doctor and received some troubling news:

"A recent and very in-depth food sensitivity test (which you can learn more about here) revealed – surprise, surprise – that I'm sensitive to dairy, gluten, wheat, corn and oats, making breakfast all the more challenging."

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No worries, though, just mix some chia seeds with warm water and no seasoning and eat it.

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There you go. Food. Put a berry on it. You love it. Eat it. EAT IT.

Another great "food" Gwyneth's doctor recommends is powdered pea protein mixed with unsweetened vanilla almond milk and xylitol to taste. You know, natural. Like the cavemen used to eat.

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Like, do whatever special powder-diet you want—I'm not here to shame anyone's food game and I also enjoy a smoothie—but maybe you wouldn't have quite so many debilitating food sensitivities if you didn't insist on forcibly laundering your digestive system several times a year? Your body already has a system for cleansing itself. It's called your body. And has it occurred to anyone that "sensitivities" to "toxins" might be more accurately diagnosed as a "sensitivity" to having too much fucking time and money on your hands? (lol @ "toxins.")

Or, who knows, maybe all the rich people in the world simultaneously and spontaneously became allergic to every single common food. That seems totally plausible too.

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GO

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Here is a paragraph of words:

For those of us who will be in or passing through any one of the Hamptons this summer, we've compiled a best of. And for those of you who aren't/don't/don't care, check out our Turkish towel collaboration (I'm obsessed with these towels).

Love, gp

Certainly. If you're one of the very few people who won't be swinging by the Hamptons for a repurposed mason jar filled with artisanal mung bean cleanse, just pick up some $240 towels as a hostess gift for the governess of whatever filthy orphanage you call home!

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GET

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This is the ONLY one-shoulder top you'll ever need for going beyond yoga.

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Bonus: Golden shoe! It costs $750 and it's made of "bold gold leather." (Bargain alternative: A $7.50 version made of "Rold Gold leather." Doubles as a snack for your picnic on Hampstead Heath. [WARNING: MADE IN A FACILITY THAT PROCESSES GLUTEN AND EMPLOYS RENTERS.])

BE

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On perfection:

Striving for achieving a sense of perfection has been a misguided belief in my life, often leading me down the wrong path. It has made me, at times, place value on the wrong things. It has made me not listen to my true self for fear that I would somehow fail in another's eyes. I was curious as to how the idea of perfection has become so pervasive in our society, how it begins, how it hurts us and perhaps, even, if it carries a certain benefit.

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I'm not sure I need a lecture about the dangers of perfection from a website that advocates buying a $10 porcelain fortune cookie for each guest at your Michaelmas feast (then everyone can smash them for jollies in between the butler races and the money-eating contest!). But okay. I guess I don't disagree?

DO

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That's just a lot to take in. A loooooooooot to take in.

Oh also, in this section, Gwyneth talks about how she got "bee venom therapy" and it cured all of her ailments, so you should probably buy and then glug this $78 "single-varietal raw honey flight."

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SEE

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See Gwyneth get ready for the Oscars! See Gwyneth try on jewels! See Gwyneth grant three wishes to a member of our Armed Forces with the power of her hair! See Gwyneth be kind of confused about the meaning of "punk rock"! I really do adore her. LOOK AT HER LITTLE FACE.


Goop you very much, Gwyn. LYLAS. Don't ever stop. (Add your own favorite 2012 goops in the comments. I didn't even get INTO the bird-shaped smoke detector that's a perfect "gift for guys" because I got so excited I had to go lie down.)

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DISCUSSION

I posted this a month or so ago, but just for good measure, here are a few of my all time favorite Gwyneth Paltrow quotes:

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."

"I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult..."

"I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs."

"I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."

"Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could."

"St. Marks Bookshop is in NYU territory and so it's no surprise it stocks a bevvy of scholarly titles in Cultural Theory."

"We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden — a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made... One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."

"Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired."

"When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it's like, 'No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?'"

"One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites."

"I've found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment at spas all over the world."

"During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well."

"I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don't ask, it's a long story."

"I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one."

"I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother..."

"Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me."

She is a gem and a national treasure.