Determined to Eliminate Tote Bags, GOP Proposes Cutting Funding to NPR, PBS, & Planned Parenthood

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There's no money for frivolities like education and public health when we have expensive explodable toys to think about. At least, that's the ethos behind House Republicans' newly proposed budget, which would eliminate funding for National Public Radio, PBS, Planned Parenthood, Americorps, and kittens. At this rate, free promotional tote bags made of an unbleached hemp blend will be extinct by 2015.


Okay, the budget doesn't seek to eliminate kittens, but for this product of PBS, NPR, and Americorps, they may as well. In addition to foreclosing on Sesame Street, Republicans behind the proposal also would like to eliminate all funding earmarked to fund the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, money set aside to help protect coal miners from the black lung, all funding for the First Lady's healthy eating program, and new safety measures designed to keep construction workers from falling off roofs. Thankfully, the budget may as well call to set aside eleventy gajillion dollars for the America Is Awesome Fund, or eliminate funding into fairy research; there's no chance in hell that this will pass beyond the House. The Senate is controlled by Democrats, as is the White House. This is more political theater from a Congress whose only job, it seems, is to pass symbolic legislation that wastes everybody's time.

All of this is designed to give The Taxpayer a raging electoral hard on, to motivate them to run to the polls and vote for more Republicans who will use their political career to constantly run for reelection. For these purposes, when I say "The Taxpayer," I don't mean women of reproductive age who pay taxes, people who listen to NPR or watch PBS, coal miners, people who don't think Michelle Obama's fitness program is a bad idea, or sick people. In this instance, The Taxpayer is a single man in Texas who just wants to spend all day farting into a La Z Boy recliner while watching football, absently stroking his gun while staring off into the distance.

Why so toteaphobic, Republicans?



Kenneth F Powers, Esq.

I imagine the NEA will be next on their chopping block. Nothing like a stupid electorate to really boost your rolls.