Desperate College Dean Warns Parents of the Dangers of Franzia

“Tour de Franzia” is a famed wine-chugging extravaganza celebrated at college campuses across the country; you may recall the name of the event from the great butt-chugging incident of 2012. Wesleyan University’s administration has tried its best over the past few years to police what campus blog Wesleying calls a “wine-fueled shit-show of a scavenger hunt,” but undergrads seem hellbent on participating, despite warnings that they’ll face judicial consequences and be prohibited from participating in commencement if caught with a box in hand.

This year, Dean Mike Whaley, Vice President of Student Affairs, decided to contact higher authorities: Wesleyan parents. He forwarded every mom and dad the requisite anti-Tour de Franzia email he sent students along with a special note of his own.

“It felt like I was back in high school,” one sophomore told Jezebel. “I felt like I was in trouble at school and the teachers called my parents.”

Here’s the email:

Fw: Seeking your help with a problematic campus event

Dear Wesleyan Parents,

We need your help. I am forwarding to you the message (below) that I recently sent to all students. The so-called “Tour de Franzia” has surfaced at Wesleyan in recent years and it has been fraught with dangerous problems. It has been impossible for us to identify the students who organize the event because it is publicized and promoted via an anonymous Facebook account. We need your help in talking with your student about the very real dangers associated with the event, as well as the significant judicial consequences that participants will face. I hope you will help us to discourage participation in this dangerous activity

Many thanks, Dean Mike Whaley

Unfortunately for Mr. Whaley, “the general student reaction to both emails was not, ‘oh shit well there goes tour this year,'” a tipster told us, “it was like ‘oh woah tour is coming up? sweet glad they reminded us.”