So that Robin Morgan thing that Chelsea Clinton supposedly has been forwarding around the internets? It's a sequel to Morgan's seminal second-wave feminist screed "Goodbye to all That" and it's about why you should vote for Hillary Clinton at the risk of "letting history pass by while wringing your hands." (Hey Robin, you know Barack Obama is the fifth black senator in the history of America? Just putting that out there.) Anyway, I decided to do my own version of her essay, "Kthanxbai To All That," in the name of Miss Teen South Carolina, Obama Girl and all other U.S. American women I would rather not have as president even though I totally do not in any way hate women, in fact I think they actually would probs make better presidents than men. Because if there's one thing Robin and I agree on, it's that Hillary is "being exploited as a Rorschach test by women who reduce her to a blank screen on which they project their own fears, failures, fantasies." And like, I'm not going to act like I didn't have to Wikipedia "Rorschach test" to understand what she was talking about there, but I totes agree! There's no other explanation to why she likes Hillary so damn much. Below, my response to her argument.
Kthanxbai to anyone seeking to claim simultaneously that:
—Hillary "has to pass as male" and that
—Hillary is the candidate of experience because she was First Lady
—First Lady denotes "experience" because "she remains a female human being in a world still so patriarchal"
— and besides, that's how female leaders get elected in other even more patriarchal societies i.e. Pakistan/Philippines/Argentina.
Look, some of us would simply like to know the extent of Hillary Clinton's involvement as First Lady. There is, after all, no vice First Lady, hand-picked to assume non-cookie-baking responsibilities in the event of the first First Lady's illness or death. If Hillary were to make public her papers from the Clinton presidency, that might elucidate the nature of what exactly that involvement was. But as it is, all we know is that she promised (in vain) to "crush" her opponents on her health care initiative and hired Dick Morris to re-elect her husband.
Kthanxbai to anyone who can spit out an angry 200-word section on "womanizing" and "marquee charisma", "celebrity culture mania" and the "alpha male horns" of a "handsome, cocky president who feels like he can learn on the job" and think readers will naturally be swayed to vote for — not against! — that guy's scorned wife. And for fuck's sake Kthanxbai especially, Robin, to that other paragraph, in which you cite not only Chappaquidick but Marilyn Monroe's motherfucking suicide to sully the name of the "dynasty" to which Barack Obama is supposedly an honorary heir, with nary a mention of the feminist implications of bestowing "dynasty" status on a surname inextricably linked to the cases of Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Juannita Broaddarick. And speaking of feminist hypocrisies:
Kthanxbai to ppl who want to get away with knocking the Bush twins for being both "alcoholic" and "neurotic" (Alcoholic and neurotic?? Isn't that according on them a little too much complexity, considering the last name??) only to claim that Obama Girl is the victim of some dark misogynist "exploitation." Bitch, Obama girl is a hot but sadly empty-headed Howard Stern attention seeking tartlet who should maybe have exploited the inter-fame afforded by a clever (half-female!) songwriting team to edumacate herself and, armed with the knowledge of the existence of this unique perk of citizenship in U.S. America, maybe exercise her right to vote! But bitch did not. She remained what she was, a tight-bodied tanorexic with a sweet disposition and some really great hair. Maybe she'll end up exploiting those features for a Fox news anchor gig yet; maybe she'll end up at Hooters. Either way, it's probably depressing! On the upside, Jenna Bush teaches kids and hangs out with AIDS orphans etc. etc.
Kthanxbai to all the haters accusing Obama supporters of liking him because he is "cool." Anyone who knows anything about being "cool" knows that getting born black to a white mom with the name "Barack Obama" and spending your childhood attending local schools in Indonesia is not exactly a recipe for "cool." It is a recipe for "intense nerd." That's more the appeal.
And on that note, Kthanxbai to this notion that "understanding the vast global complexities of power on a nuclear, wounded planet" requires extensive experience sucking up to Kazakh dictators in the name of lucrative uranium contracts.
Kthanxbai to anyone who seeks to shame me into seeing South Park as "sociopathic woman hating."
That is just lame. South Park is cool! And by laughing at its misogynist jokes I score points with my male friends who like that I am not one of those feminists who challenges the "status quo"!!!! NO, NOT REALLY; I HAVE NO FRIENDS, I WATCH TV ALONE. And laughing at shit is just one way I like to take my mind off the painful truth that no politician is going to change the "status quo" in the way that I would like. And sadly for my gender, when I say "no politician" I mean especially probably not Hillary.
(That said, I think she'd make a better president than her husband, and she'll surely be an improvement on the present, solidarity etc. etc.)
Goodbye To All That (x2) [Women's Media Center]