Dear Page Six Magazine,
This is not going to go into the P6 annals as one of your best week. Your cover girl Samaire Armstrong's whole "I don't really drink" comment hit the newsstands the day after she checked into rehab, and, lessee.... a whopping 8 1/2 pages of ads. T-Mobile, Mercedes, Icelandair, Bucks County.... Bucks County??? Wait a sec; the readers you seek are twentysomething girls who have managed to get away from the Benz and bed-n-breakfast strewn likes of Bucks County, am I right? That's what I get from your fashion pages, which I would categorize as "hipster." (Like, your cute feature about layering pieces: only hipsters would layer shit like that, albeit in different colors.) But then there are the celeb photo shoots: all soft lines and sparkly diamonds and evening gowns. Confusing! So you've got a dash of bipolar disorder — and a feature on bipolar disorder all in the same week; approps! That's not so bad. Despite what the story would have you believe, bipolar's is not that uncommon or life-altering, it's just a dangerous distractions from properly editing passages like this, courtesy your "Socializer" columnist Kelly Kiloren Bensimon's page:

"I don't want to look back and wonder how life would have been different had I just worn a pair of dark, skinny jeans. For fall, I decided to try something new. My friend Marcella, who works for Seven jeans, convinced me to get into a skinny pair in a new wash... My agent said I should wear them every day."

Hm. So let's get this straight: Ms Bensimon not only has an agent, but friends in the fashion industry. (Including Zac Posen, who came to her yard sale in the Hamptons!) And yet she is just now warming to the "skinny jeans" trend. This is sort of the adult version of being one of those kids whose parents are like, a UN Ambassador and an ACLU attorney, and so they've visited 39 countries and also grown up listening to Lou Reed and Miles Davis, who nevertheless goes off to some college probably in the South and becomes rush chair of his/her Greek organization and then chooses "She Will Be Loved" as her wedding song. It's the worst of all worlds: she's the epitome of privilege and insiderhood and the socialite circuit, but she comes four years late to the fucking skinny jean trend? And also: is completely oblivious to how retarded this makes her sound?? Why are you giving this woman your space?

As usual I have lots of misc. comments: you did a feature on skyscrapers ("Edifice complex" — LOL) that seemed un-pegged to anything; "The secret world of straight hairdressers" was a typical blueballer that should have, as long as it wasn't going to feature drugs/orgies/boldface names/anything really of interest at all, been re-cast as a think piece about the appeal of gay-seeming straight guys or guys in traditionally-gay fields or something like that; the "As told to" story about the woman with bipolar disorder was wan and pointless and didn't so much as prove the headline ""I could lose my job because I'm bipolar" — (Really? Wait, is that illegal??) But it all comes back to Miss Skinny Jeans. Is this groundbreaking territory we're covering here, or have we at least figured out a new angle? Can this person even write? And is he/she at all sympathetic? You can get away with the answer to one or two of those questions being "no," but when it's all three.... time for a kill fee.