Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

'Dear Neighbor, I Understand You Are a Prostitute'

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Apartment living is one of those experiences that few people aspire to, but most are forced into experiencing at some point in their lives. "Living around other people is hard," say duh experts. You often have to listen to a stranger's footsteps, fights, music etc., and, occasionally you have to confront them about those things so that you can live in relative comfort. These confrontations can be awkward — how do you manage to come off as a polite, relaxed, yet assertive person when knocking on a neighbor's door to ask them to quiet the fuck down? One solution? Be an adult, suck it up and do it. We all have to live together, which means having to put up with a little bit of noise. On the other hand, you need to be able to say when enough is enough.

But that's so haaaaard. Isn't there an easier, jerkier way to get your point across? Like, why have a conversation when you can just as simply write a note accusing your neighbor of being a sex worker? You know, a note like this one found by a reader over the weekend:

Hi Neighbor-

I understand that you are a prostitute and that's okay by me. I'm happy you make money to pay bills, etc., but perhaps you can consider some sound-proofing, and I am happy to consider joint soundproofing if that will improve our mutual living here, etc. I'd like to think we can think of each other and make this a good place to live.

Apt. 4 C.K.

It should be noted that said neighbor is not a sex worker.

Let's do Apartment 4 C.K. the courtesy of responding in a way that's not sarcastic or passive aggressive (a courtesy that they are unwilling to offer their "prostitute" neighbor). Listening to other people have sex can be a real drag and it is certainly okay to bring up the issue if it's severely disrupting your life. It's even okay to leave a note asking them to keep it down rather than talking to them face-to-face just as long as the initial note (and this was the first and only note the reader has received) is polite and direct. If the noise keeps going after that, then, yes, sure, fine, feel free to break out your underhanded slut-shaming and pseudo-friendliness, though I doubt it will get you anywhere.


Sadly, 4 C.K., you decided to go the petty, dickish way straight off the bat so congratulations — you're not getting laid, but you certainly are the biggest fucker.

Image by gary yim /Shutterstock.