Dear Jezebel, My Daughter Grinds Her Cousins In Public And My Therapist Only Pretends To Care...

Jezebel is a whore from the Bible, though she was eaten by dogs in the end, which is why I'm always glad I'm not Jewish when I read advice columns, because otherwise I might have missed out on the New Testament teaching that it's basically okay to be a whore. In fact if you've ever pondered the question "Who would Jesus Do" I can tell you your answer would be "a whore" and sometimes it is that whore I like to think of when I get questions like the ones Evangelical Christians send to syndicated advice columnists. Anyway, without further ado, welcome back to "Ask A Highly Flawed Specimen Of Humanity?" in which we answer the burning question: "What Would Jezebel Do"?"

Dear Carolyn:

I have a friend who is very promiscuous, and at first I just rolled my eyes but now it bothers me. I am not sure how or if I should tell her. She isn't discreet about her actions, and is known among many people as "easy" or "slutty." Would you believe this woman is 35?

Her behavior doesn't really impact me, but people know I am good friends with this woman, and I wonder if I might suffer for the association. I also am starting to pass my own judgment on her actions, and I worry for her health.

I'm torn if (and how!) I should tell her how I feel, or if I should just let her live her own life and reap whatever she sows. -Diabolical Prude


Dear Prude,

The most startling thing about this query, other than you being an oblivious bitch, is that this woman is 35 years old. What 35-year-old still gets called a "slut" and "easy"? Did you send this letter to Carolyn Hax from the nineteeth century? You seem like the type of gal who would surely bring it up if your "friend's" persona history was, say, "littered with abortions" or her vagina being eaten alive by veneral diseases, and since you don't mention anything like that I have to wonder exactly all the poisonous crops are that she is supposed to reap later?

Think about this for a minute. You call this woman a "good friend" and yet you've written a letter mentioning no quality other than her supposedly shameful willingness to have sex with people. Why is she such a good friend to you? Think it's the same inability to reject people that made her a slut in the first place? Think that maybe your cold-hearted, self-centered intolerance might be enough to make a less generous, affectionate soul run straight for the exit sign?

Dear Abby:

I am the single mom of a terrific 6-year-old boy. "Matthew" is smart, happy and generally makes good choices when given options. My problem? I'm terrified of the future.

I hear horror stories about kids who take drugs and the downward spiral their lives take. Matthew's father made poor choices regarding drugs and alcohol — one of the many reasons I divorced him — so my son is genetically predisposed to addiction. What is to stop him from accepting drugs from friends or acquaintances?

Is there an established, proven course of action that parents can take starting at this age to help in the prevention of future horrors? SLEEPLESS in the Heartland

Dear Ambien, They Have That In The Heartland Right?:

You may take it as a good sign that "Matthew," at six, "generally makes good choices when given options," but I smell trouble if that means he prefers unsweetened applesauce to french fries and sugar cereal or reading Harry Potter to GameBoy. If he hasn't tried drugs or alcohol or at the very least a Flintstone vitamin overdose by age seven, he could be WELL ON THE ROAD to being one of those first graders who is so mocked by his peers for his healthy, mom-approved decisions who by age eight and a half is rebelling by breaking into the liquor cabinet and maiming forest animals. But don't despair! There is a proven course of action for coping with such horrors. START DRINKING NOW. Add some Adderall to the mix and you'll be blacking it all out (and blogging about it!) in no time.


Dear Prudie, I am the mother of two girls, ages 2 and 4. I also have two nieces who are 3 and 4. They play together often and are typical, energetic little girls. I am concerned about something my 4-year-old said to me recently. We have discussed modesty and she understands that we keep our private parts covered, but I've tried not to make it an overly big deal. I recently allowed her to skinny-dip in her grandmother's swimming pool. The next day, she asked me if she could skinny-dip again with her cousins next time we're at Grammy's. Then she said she and her 4-year-old cousin like to "rub our butts together." I did see them doing this while changing clothes to go swimming. They were standing up and danced back to back and laughed. I just told them they were silly and diverted them to the pool. I asked her why she wanted to do that and she said " 'cause it's fun and it feels good." The last thing I want is to make her feel dirty or suggest that she is bad for doing this. But I don't want her to disrespect her body, either. Should I forbid this? Simply discourage it? While I was never abused, I do feel like I was sexualized much too young, and wish my mom had taught me to cherish my body. Unfortunately, she didn't, so I'm not sure how to teach my daughters this. —Worried Mom


Dear Mom,

A lot of things are fun and feel good and unfortunately, the only one we're allowed to do in public is drink. Tell your daughter to be thankful her lungs aren't charred from cigarettes and her naked body isn't yet a sagging, liver-spotted mass of stretch marks, varicose veins and enlarged pores, and so, unlike you, she gets to run around naked, and that rubbing her butts or privates in public is just overdoing it for the rest of us, but that one day, if she works very, very hard and prays every night to the low interest rate gods, she may land a job working from home.

Hi, Cary,

I started seeing a new therapist lately. And she does this thing that annoys me no end.

Whenever I tell her something emotionally important, she'll squint her eyes, lean forward, and act like she's really listening.

Now, I am sure she really is intently listening to me, but the squinting and the leaning in really distract me and make me think she is acting.

I want to tell her, but don't know how. Should I? Thanks.

Dear Unnerved,

An old priest of mine used to say that therapy was just modernity's answer to Confession, and if the Catholics got two things right — and that's about all they got right, unless you count "great art" and shit — it was, number one, building the whole screen separating the rambling psychic unloader from the poor sap who had to sleep upright while pretending to listen to all of it, and number two, making the whole charade free. Like this column. I do accept tips, though.



Dear Prude:

Has it never crossed your mind that your "slutty," "easy" friend might cringe at the thought of your judgmental, Victorian, frigid reputation rubbing off on her?

And - no! I cannot believe she is 35 and having sex! My god - what is the world coming to?! I thought at 35 vaginas dried out and turned into man-repelling orifices.