Dear God, The Longest Ride Trailer Is Peak Nicholas Sparks

It's that time of the year again, when the earth begins to prepare itself for the next installment of Nicholas Sparks' borderline oppressive young-hot-love-but-will-they-make-it? stories. He really stepped their game up this time because The Longest Ride features not one, but two whole terrible romances in two completely different eras! Oh and some creative use of a light sepia-filter (so you know which parts are in the olden times of 70 years ago).

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The trailer may be a mere two in a half minutes, but don't worry, it crams in every single saccharine Nicholas Sparks cliché:

  • Young white kids falling in love
  • Old white people reminiscing about their young love
  • A bold and reckless male protagonist played by an unattainably hot actor
  • A female protagonist whose heart is in the middle of a tug-of-war between love and practicality
  • A disapproving adult figure
  • An idyllic dream house
  • War
  • The beach
  • Letters
  • Rain

Dammit, Scott Eastwood plays a fucking bull-riding cowboy, a very very sexy concept, and I just can't get into it. Damn you Nicholas.

The one good thing about this movie so far is that its title lends itself very very easily to a porn parody. Now if you would excuse me, I have to go reconsider my deep love for Jack Huston, who plays the younger version of the old dude in the hospital bed. I never expected him to go the Nicholas Sparks route and now, I really just have some thinking to do. Or maybe I'm still coming to terms with the fact that Huston actually has a full face. :/

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Kate Dries

Important.