Dear Closet Homo Senator's Wife Suzanne Craig: A Few Tips From 'Cosmo'

Illustration for article titled Dear Closet Homo Senators Wife Suzanne Craig: A Few Tips From Cosmo

Another day, another prominent conservative's wife caught with a case of faulty gaydar as an undercover cop details all the tell-tale signs he's a closet homo. According to closet alleged-but-really-who-are-we-kidding Queen Senator Larry Craig's police report, closet gays use roller bags and an elaborate pattern of foot taps and hand-swipes to indicate their gayness to one another. Duly noted! But September's Cosmo cover story, "Could Your Man Be Gay? The Foolproof Sign" has an easier rule of thumb (er, heh?) Larry Craig's various wives might have done well to heed.

One irrefutable sign that a guy is if he gets off on male-on-male porn.

Oh no!

Seriously, we'd have to concur here, and yeah yeah double standards blah blah most lesbian porn is just straight girls with nice tits whatevs, but we think this little incident may actually pave the way for a sequel. Guess what? If your man's a conservative Republican who gets off on bemoaning the deleterious societal epidemic that is same-sex marriage, he's PRETTY MUCH GAY.

(Also, according to Cosmo, if he has a counterclockwise hair whorl. It's hard to tell from this pic though.)

Arrest Clouds Idaho Senator's Post [Washington Post]
U.S. Senator Gets Flushed [The Smoking Gun]

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I actually purchased that issue of Cosmo for a six hour flight, but also because of the "Is Your Boyfriend a Fruit?" feature. I spent the rest of the flight angling for a better view of my boyfriend's whorl as his head dipped to and fro while he slept. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was...yes, counterclockwise. So I was suspicious. Then the article mentioned hooking up with another dude as a young chap. Check. He told me about it once, in passing, but I never forgot it. Filed it away for a gay-sleuthing occasion such as this.

Then he woke up and asked the flight attendant for a Malibu and pineapple, and I realized that I was actually putting stock in Cosmo. He's not gay...just thirsty. And whorl-y.