David Arquette's Ex Mistress Totally Didn't Mean to Leak Sex Tape

David Arquette’s mistress Jasmine Waltz, who has unfortunately been infected with a drug-resistant strain of Chronic Sexyface, might be pretending to be devastated by the fake accidental release of a tape featuring her and someone who is not even David Arquette doing grown up wrestling with each other.

Apparently the tape features naughty Valentine candy heart play, because there’s nothing sexier than covering your body with sugary, chalky residue and ruining a holiday (although, if they must ruin a holiday, I’m glad they ruined Valentine’s Day and not a cooler holiday like Halloween or the Fourth of July. Imagine the horrible things that could happen when stars combine genitalia and explosives).

Quoth she,

I’m absolutely shocked that the public is now going to see what I made with my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’m not even famous which blows my mind even more, I’m just a girl in Hollywood.

This sounds like the voice over intro to a reality show that I would not admit to watching. [Perez]

• Halle Berry has gotten a restraining order against her the man who has tried to break into her house three times in the last three days. Whew. Halle can rest easy. Restraining orders always work. [TMZ]
• Bree Olson one of the ladies who used to let Charlie Sheen call her one of “His Goddesses” says the guy who’s about to be killed off of America’s most inexplicably successful show is a real good sex person. If I had a boyfriend who I had to share with another woman, I’d at least hope for my own distinct nickname, like Aphrodite or Wacky Spice or something, and if he didn’t give me one, I probably wouldn’t go around after we broke up talking about how good he was at sex. Okay. Maybe I would if I was drunk. [OMG]
• Babies, babies, babies. Everyone’s making babies. Having babies. Being pregnant with babies. Speculating about whether or not there will be more babies. Soon we’ll have to call it “WombBag.” Kate Hudson and Victoria Beckham just gave birth, but there are more babies coming! Hooray for babies! They will pay for my elder entitlements! [OMG]
• Additionally, Jessica Alba is pregnant again, with a baby, of course and is sad that she won’t be able to get her pre-baby body back. But how will she ever get revenge if she can’t get her pre-baby body back? Can the perceived hotness of her body before she became a mother be counted as pre-venge? [Daily Mail]
• Emily Deschanel has gone vegan for her pregnancy, which some pregnancy experts warn can lead to Cabbage Patch Kid-like birth defects like being born with “Xavier Roberts” written in cursive on the baby’s butt. [Express.co.uk]
• Katie Holmes continues to insist that she’s not sad about various aspects of her life. Right now she’s pretending to be not-sad about the fact that she’s not about to have a baby. Yeah right, Katie. [Contact Music]
• In non-fetal news, Lady Gaga‘s trip to Australia has been a mixed bag. She’s been named an honorary Australian citizen, which is neat because now she can legally adopt up to six baby koalas or even marry a kangaroo if she so chooses, but she also had an egg thrown at her which is not neat because eggs are gross and slimy in spite of their shinifying effects on hair. [Bossip]
  [Express.co.uk]
• 50 Cent, aka Curtis Jackson (which is a hilarious name that fits in perfectly with the theme song for “The Flintstones. Try it.) is single after breaking up with his model girlfriend. Ladies, if you’re interested, I hear you can find him in the club. [Contact Music]
• London’s newest crime fighter is one Kelly Osborne, who intervened in two separate attempted automobile molestations. Being Kelly Osbourne is a lot like being Batman. [US]
• Johnny Depp is going to continue his streak of appearing in movies wherein he wears a lot of makeup and acts weird and tries to make us all forget that he’s a Tiger Beat-worthy dreamboat. How convincing is he trying to be? Well, he’s going to be playing The Lone Ranger and might be playing Paul Revere (where he’ll be ringin’ them bells and tell the British that they’re not going to take our guns away, I’m sure) and also is rumored to be considering a role as Richard Ramirez who fellow Wikipedia spiralers may know as The Night Stalker, a serial rapist and murderer who terrified Los Angeles 40 years ago. [MTV]
• Dakota Fanning chopped off her hair and is strutting around with her adorable pixie cut all effortlessly, like she owns the place or something. It may be for her newest role, that of a 17 year old girl dying of cancer who is attempting to complete a “bucket list” before she dies, including losing her virginity. But isn’t that basically the plot of Blade Runner? Maybe I’m looking at that movie wrong. [OMG]
• R Kelly‘s house is being foreclosed on. There are so many jokes I could make right now about no bank wanting to have a worthless urine-covered estate on its books, all of them just piss-poor. [Yahoo]