Darren Wilson Is Going to Be Some Unlucky Kid's Father

Because the holiday season wasn’t already horrible enough, Officer Darren Wilson has announced that he and his wife are expecting a child. The only way this nightmare week can be saved now is if Wilson is spirited into a federal jail thanks to a Thanksgiving miracle for the ages.

In an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos on Tuesday, Wilson shared that someone had actually married him despite his questionable life choices and that person was also pregnant. And just before he shared that nefarious news, a grand jury of what I can only assume to be Ghosts of Mississippi extras in Ferguson, MO decided against indicting Wilson for shooting an unarmed young black man named Michael Brown in August.

As a result, Monday and Tuesday nights saw protests not just in Ferguson—where Gov. Jay Nixon recently re-ordered even more tanks and National Guard troops with semi-automatic weapons because that worked out so well the first time—but also across the country from New York City to Oakland, Ca. What a way to kick off a holiday about befriending the Native Americans that settlers would eventually go on to slaughter: by leading in with injustice surrounding the death of another minority. Great job, America!