Dance Moms Is Still the Most Batshit Reality Show on Television

Illustration for article titled Dance Moms Is Still the Most Batshit Reality Show on Television

Before you say it, yes, I know: we live in a world of Kardashians and Duggars and multiple reality shows about bad plastic surgery. But as Jezebel has noted before, Dance Moms is fucking bananas, because it includes a tyrannical, condescending, often unhinged adult (Abby Lee Miller) instructing actual children (the stars of the Abby Lee Dance Center) to execute absurd dance routines about topics such as child abuse and the perils of texting while driving.


This season has been doubly nuts because it’s captured Miller’s legal issues (she was charged with bankruptcy fraud in 2015; the trial has been repeatedly delayed), which has led to more mood swings than normal; in one episode, she even appeared to quit her job, which had the effect of further infuriating the dance moms in question as their children traveled from competition to competition without a leader, stateless award-winning tweens. Also in the mix: the imminent departure of rising star Maddie Ziegler, who Abby seeks to replace with new dancer Brynn Rumfallo, yet whose immediate emergence as an Abby fave frustrates the moms whose daughters have been toiling on the ALDC team for years. Not helping at all is the fact that her mom, Ashlee Allen, is universally loathed.

But drama is typical fodder for reality shows. What’s most bonkers, yet again, are the dances.

This week, in lieu of working on a group dance for a competition, Abby brought in YouTube star Todrick Hall to film a commercial for the Abby Lee Dance Center based on The Wiz, which they then re-performed IN said competition, to the commercial jingle. Which featured the girls singing and rapping. One of Brynn’s lines: “technique on fleek/because I’m ballet trained.” Maddie plays the Wizard (“of course,” Abby said).

Does this make you want to enroll?

This is wild, but the absolute most confounding dances this season so far were the ones Abby decided to base on famous grisly stories. This included Brynn dancing AS THE BLACK DAHLIA:

Maddie winning the solo competition by playing a maniacal Lizzie Borden:

And, perhaps most insane of the three, Kendall portraying Natalie Wood, including a creative interpretation of her death?!?!:

Abby’s praise: “I really believed that you were drowning!”

All of these children are beautiful dancers but that is not the point. The point is that what the fuck is up with the Dance Moms dances! But honestly, I probably wouldn’t watch this show if they were any less absurd. Abby, keep doing you, you goddamn weirdo!


karie lou who

Excited for when Abby makes Nia play OJ and murders the other girls! (It’s gonna happen sooner or later, right?)