CSI Gawker Media: Moe And Jalopnik Crack The Case Of The Hot Masturbating Frathouse Intruder

Image for article titled CSI Gawker Media: Moe And Jalopnik Crack The Case Of The Hot Masturbating Frathouse Intruder

The story about the woman who walked into the University of Michigan frathouse, took a seat on a couch and commenced masturbating for a half hour is full of holes: How come it took her a half hour? Did she not have a vibrator? What sort of woman voluntarily sits on a fraternity house couch? Luckily, Jezzy's automotively inclined brother blogger (haha! brother blogger! so if we sucumbed to his advances it would be INCEST!!) Jalopnik attended the very prestigious institution of higher education that played host to this curious event, so when his expertise met our extensive self-hating self-love experience over IM, we were able to crack the case in approximately 13 minutes. Like Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hartigay! Only bloggers! I mean, WITHOUT the sexual tension!! Why she did it, why they called the cops and the mystery of why they need to get rid of two separate couches solved, after the jump.


Why Two Couches?

InspectorMoe: so in your view
InspectorMoe: is this story true?
InspectorMoe: aren't they sort of pussies for throwing out the couches?
InspectorMoe: Did she actually masturbate on two couches?
InspectorMoe: Or did one couch just catch the other couch's cooties?
Jalopnixxx: The story is totally true. Since most New York Times staff writers come from the University of Michigan, it's got to be the truth. It just has to.
InspectorMoe: could "she" have been a rival frat pledge?
InspectorMoe: I thought they all came from Harvard.
InspectorMoe: how much would you estimate those couches will fetch on eBay?
Jalopnixxx: Yes, they're huge twats for throwing out the couches. One would expect that for many a young and privileged PIKE fratboy, that's the most pussy they could have gotten without paying for it.
InspectorMoe: would you bid?
Jalopnixxx: Oh no, I already have a number of pussy-scented couches
InspectorMoe: hahahaha
InspectorMoe: ha!
InspectorMoe: my couch smells like pussy too, but what do you expect? I'm a BLOGGER
Jalopnixxx: I'm wondering myself why it's two couches they're tossing.

What Took So Long?

InspectorMoe: I love how they're all "Obviously, she was very disturbed."
Jalopnixxx: I'm thinking maybe some of the members may have been spending some time working on their own personal "love-making" techniques on the other couch.
Jalopnixxx: Obviously not. Maybe she was overcome by the PIKE house and their man-musk.
InspectorMoe: I'd be disturbed if it took me a half an hour to come?
Jalopnixxx: I mean, have you ever slept with a frat-boy before?
InspectorMoe: a few
Jalopnixxx: You'd be lucky to come after four or five hours
InspectorMoe: i don't really remember
Jalopnixxx: They on the other hand
InspectorMoe: it was after i'd passed out usually
Jalopnixxx: I'll assume it's a 30-second timeframe for them
InspectorMoe: yeah i don't usually achieve orgasm when i'm blacked out
Jalopnixxx: I can imagine.
InspectorMoe: so yeah um ... if she was there for 30 minutes
InspectorMoe: why did it take them so long to call the police?
InspectorMoe: if they are such pussies
InspectorMoe: and they actually call the police over that sort of thing.
Jalopnixxx: That's an excellent question. I'll cross-apply my answer on the two v. one couch question
Jalopnixxx: It could very well be that she wasn't interested in helping along some of the lovely man-meat, and that was why they wanted nothing to do with it.

Moe Correctly Guesses Ray's Frat, On The First Try

InspectorMoe: were you in a fraternity?
Jalopnixxx: I actually was/
InspectorMoe: I'd like to know how other frathouses might have responded differently to the same set of circumstances
Jalopnixxx: Well, at our house we would have had to ask whether she was appropriately kosher
Jalopnixxx: If she wasn't, we'd have had to move her to another couch, and off of the dairy one.
InspectorMoe: were you in ZBT or something?
Jalopnixxx: Ding!
InspectorMoe: AE 3.14
Jalopnixxx: First guess
InspectorMoe: wow, i'm so so good
InspectorMoe: so yeah
Jalopnixxx: That easy to tell, eh?
InspectorMoe: here's what happened:
InspectorMoe: no it was just the first jewy frat that came to mind
InspectorMoe: my impression of ZBT is generally more barney's and hair product than you
Jalopnixxx: And how jewy we were
Jalopnixxx: Well, I'm a Ca-shew
Jalopnixxx: Ca-Jew
InspectorMoe: right, SO.
Jalopnixxx: So I didn't always fit in
InspectorMoe: oooh a jewopy
InspectorMoe: jewopnik

Moe Cracks Case, More Like Vinny D. than Mariska Now That We Think About It


InspectorMoe: HERE is what happened, as I see it.
Jalopnixxx: Ok, throw down
InspectorMoe: She comes in, starts getting off on the sofa
InspectorMoe: She's, like, in Theta, and this is just a hazing ritual
InspectorMoe: the first part of the ritual was to replicate the contents of anna nicole's fridge
InspectorMoe: and consume them.
InspectorMoe: the second part was to go into the frat house
InspectorMoe: and start poking herself or whatever
InspectorMoe: Pike was stoked.
InspectorMoe: But she got a little performance anxiety
InspectorMoe: so she was like, "talk dirty to me"
Jalopnixxx: That like, totally makes sense. That little bitch wasn't supposed to just, you know, get the police involved.
InspectorMoe: and they got all "her breasts..felt like bags of sand".....
InspectorMoe: and she was like, fuck you, I'm calling someone in ZBT
InspectorMoe: THAT is a frat that knows how to concoct a good scenario
InspectorMoe: hence the cell phone "conversation"
InspectorMoe: pussies (of the Pike sort) were humiliated.
InspectorMoe: liquor was consumed
Jalopnixxx: Doesn't she know that when a frat-boy tells her to do something, she's supposed to, you know, do it. Except anal. Cause that shit's totally gross. Unless she's conservative christian.
Jalopnixxx: Thats called birth control
InspectorMoe: and HERE's another thing
InspectorMoe: their couches were totally nasty already obvs.
Jalopnixxx: Oh yeah, what's that?
Jalopnixxx: Obvs
InspectorMoe: so they're just using this as an excuse!
InspectorMoe: to collect emergency funds from the national organization
InspectorMoe: and hit POTTERY BARN
Jalopnixxx: For new couches!
Jalopnixxx: Awesome!
InspectorMoe: CASE CLOSED!

Masturbating Trespasser Booted From Frat [Michigan Daily]


Cameron RS

The first post in the archives that's easily accessible, and it was back when Jalopnik and Jezebel were friends, riding along in the Mystery Machine with Scooby Doo and Shaggy doing bong hits in the back?

Damn it, Mr. Navarro! Why did you ask that question about Slut Machine? What could have been... what could have been.