Creepy New Commemorative Crap Spawned By The Royal Wedding

The Royal Wedding is over, but the weird commemorative crap keeps on coming! Since there’s a chance you might forget the epic televised event so relentlessly covered by the media, you’d better get yourself a souvenir. Luckily, you have options.

We’ve already seen the replica engagement ring, condoms, a refrigerator, a comic book, and some really weird coins. And if you jumped the gun and already purchased a regular old Kate Middleton doll, you’re going to kick yourself, because the Princess Catherine dolls have arrived.

The Royal Elegance Bride Doll by Ashton-Drake is “handcrafted to an unprecedented level.” Made of porcelain, she stands 16″ high, and her face is “an authentic likeness of the beautiful bride on her wedding day.” The copy claims her train is 8 feet long, which can’t be right, can it? Dusting nightmare. Anyway, Princess Catherine Royal Elegance Bride Doll can be yours for $149.99, payable in 5 installments of $29.99, and there’s a 365-day guarantee, which I guess means it will exist on this plane for one year. Then it might turn into anti-matter. The fine print adds that shipping and handling will cost you $16.99, and delivery will occur in the fall. Then she and your Michelle Obama doll can have tea and discuss world politics and Beyoncé dance moves.

Okay, so this is not a doll. This is a figurine. The First-Ever Heirloom Figurine Honoring The New Duchess Of Cambridge. It is made by The Hamilton Collection, which also produces Precious Moments™ statues, Thomas Kinkade figures and, of course, NASCAR model cars. The duchess stands 7¼ inches high, has a fabric veil and a simulated sapphire ring. It’s hard to tell, from this illustration, what’s really going on with this item, but unlike the doll, which is posable, with vinyl skin and shiny hair, this thing is all one piece of resin, with a sculpted dress. Fun. Something breakable for your cat to knock over. A bargain at two installments of $19.99.

This plate is Official! And by official, they mean, it officially exists, not that it is authenticated or approved of by the royal family. The $39.99 item, available only from The Bradford Exchange, is “hand-crafted” from “triple fired Heirloom Porcelain®.” It “showcases stunning faux sapphires” and is “lavished with hundreds of shimmering faux diamonds.” The border is genuine platinum! I think it would be fun to serve chocolate cake on at a dinner party. As your guests eat dessert, they’ll reveal some happy, dirty faces looking up at them! Oh: The copy notes, “Limit one per customer.” Boo.

Okay, Bradford Exchange. I surrender. I love this Royal Wedding Tiara ring. Sparkly! Sterling silver! Diamonesk™ created diamonds! These stones “rival the sparkle and clarity of the best gems”! The shape is inspired by the Queen Mother’s Scroll Tiara — aka the Cartier “halo” tiara, and it is a “superb value” at $119. Sigh. It’s pretty. And I’ll bet if you get the right size, you can use it as a tiara for other dolls.