Crap Email From a Dude: Rush Limbaugh Fanboy Extravaganza Edition

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Yesterday, I wrote a post wherein I wasn't very nice to undifferentiated meat sack Rush Limbaugh in response to his on-air assertion that women who want free birth control must be whores. Without delay, his more fawning fans decided to briefly crawl out of their Confederate Flag Snuggies and give me a piece of their minds. And because there were so many crap emails from Rush Limbaugh fanatics, we've rated and ranked them, for your viewing pleasure.

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First, we've got a nice, thoughtful paragraph from Board-Certified ER doc Michael Doubek of Montana.

From: Michael Doubek
Date: Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 2:37 AM
Subject: You'd be surprised
To: Me

I'm a Board-Certified ER doc, and I totally agree with Rush. I'm sick of paying excessive taxes so these sluts can screw every horny loser who buys them a drink. If she's too cheap to buy her own birth control, and doesn't insist of her partner using a condom, and gets knocked-up, she shouldn't expect others to pay for her medical bills. The federal govt. extorts money from us taxpayers, and PAYS her to have the little bastard. I say, if she can't pay her bills, she should be arrested, and the baby be adopted. This country has NO accountability, and over 1/3 of Americans are living on money they don't themselves earn. It must stop. Welfare whores need to pay their bills, like the rest of us. Maybe this opinion hits a little too close to your home...

Claim of Authority: 5 points
Misunderstanding of Birth Control 5 points Birth control costs don't increase per month based on how much sex you have, contrary to what board certified ER doc Michael Doubek thinks.
Personal Insults 5 points. I must be a slut if I'm into people having birth control. Because people must only care about people who are exactly like them.
Hating of Sluts 5 points
Overall: 20 points. A strong showing from Michael Doubek, board-certified ER doctor. You're number 1!

Next up, we have Raymond Bauer. Another doctor who hates sluts!

From: Raymond Bauer
Date: Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 11:25 AM
Subject: Rush L.
To: Me

Erin:

I see you have command of the English Language-Gutter 101! Slut seems like an appropriate word!

Dr. Bauer

Claim of Authority 3 points
Personal Insults 5 points
Overall: 8 points. Good job, Dr. Raymond Bauer, but I'm disappointed you didn't go further here. In what way am I a slut? Describe. Cite examples. Build around your thesis.

Jim here has some opinions as well.

————— Forwarded message —————
From:
Date: Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 10:41 AM
Subject: Sharon Fluke
To: Me

Get a life..............she's a slut.

Appeal for me to 'Get a Life' 5 points. Good idea, though. I'll put "Get life" on my agenda.
Very Long Ellipses 3 points. It's like he's compensating for something.
Sycophant Syndrome 3 points. No support for his claim except an echo of something Limbaugh already said.
Overall: 11 points. There's beauty in brevity. Great showing, Jim!

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But what about Frank Jerina? He first emailed requesting that I buy my own birth control, and I responded that it was fiscally responsible for a country to limit unplanned births by promoting birth control use. He suggested that I (and everyone) consider abstaining from sex. I responded with the letters "Ahahaha" repeated many times. He responded thus,

On Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 9:58 AM, Jerina, Frank M. wrote:
As I said you are confused. Buy you own frigging pills. Surely you and your spouse can come up with the money! How can you be so dense?

YOU WANT A NANNY STATE AND GET THIS…WE CANNOT AFFORD IT.

YOUR HERO OBAMA CAN SOLVE THE COUNTRIES FINACAIL PROBLEMS BY TAXING THE RICH. CORRECT? HE SAYS SO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF CONGRESS PASSED HIS SO CALLED RICH TAX PROPOSAL TODAY THE RESULTING REVENUES WOULD ACCOUNT FOR 52 MINTUES OF FEDERAL SPENDING IN ONE YEAR'S TIME. WOW HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO SOVES PROBLEMS! WE DO NOT HAVE A REVENUE PROBLE WE HAVE A SPENING PROBLEM.

REGAN SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SAID "GOVT. IS NOT THE SOLUTION, GOVT. IS THE PROBLEM".

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Caps Lock 5 points
Obamaphobia 3 points
Reagansexuality 5 points
Personal Insults 3 points
Overall: 16 points Frank, you performed exactly how I'd expect a man named Frank to perform. Bravo.

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Victor DeMatos
Date: Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 8:38 AM
Subject:
To: Me

You are one insensitive BITCH

Keep your stupid LIBRAL OBAMA KISS ASS coments to yourself idiot!!

Obamaphobia 5 points
Personal Insults 3 points. I had to dock two for lack of creativity.
All Caps 2 points
Poor punctuation/spelling 3 points
Overall: 12 points. Good job, Victor DeMatos.

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And they say liberals are hypersensitive! These are the highlights from my inbox in the last 24 hours. Barely literate supporters of Rush Limbaugh: please, please keep them coming. I haven't laughed this hard since I got all those emails in purple Comic Sans from people telling me to stop being mean to Rick Santorum or I'd go to hell to frolic in a lake of aborted baby faces.

DISCUSSION

By
Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

I'd like to respond to each of these guys:

Michael,

I'm not an internet-certified smartass. You, if you actually are a doctor, should know about the concept of "preventative care." By preventing problems before they happen, we reduce the cost of medicine overall for the entire population. As you should know from your third and fourth year of medical school, births and childcare are very expensive.

I realize that, as a doctor, you have a hard time affording things like an M5. You might have had to settle for the M3. I feel bad for you, believe me. As the husband of a future doctor (and employed person himself), I have to worry about such future problems as "affording a really nice home in an expensive city," and "which BMW do I buy next?" and even "how will I afford to send two children to private universities." Like you, I worry. I worry that, if taxes go up by another .00001%, I may have to buy one fewer option for my next car. I get it.

However, seeing as my taxes (and believe me, I get taxed a lot) go to Medicare and pay for your salary, please kindly go back to the ER and proceed to fuck yourself.

Best,

Ari Schwartz

Guy who isn't certified in anything but doesn't need to state that he has a degree to make a point

————-

Dr. Bauer,

I see your command of the English language is limited to weak bon mots. "Uninspired" seems like an appropriate word.

Best,

Ari Schwartz, MPIA

—————

Jim,

Your life..................................... (ELLIPSES PARTY YAY!) is as empty as your words.

————

FRANK,

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT NANNY STATE MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. PROVIDING PREVENTATIVE HEALTH CARE IS NOT THE SO-CALLED NANNY STATE, DESPITE YOUR UNFOUNDED BELIEF OTHERWISE.

ALSO, WHY ARE WE YELLING ALL OF A SUDDEN. I THINK WE NEED TO GET VERIZON PHONES INSTEAD.

P.S. WHO IS REGAN? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SPELL FROM FINAL FANTASY.

———

Victor,

Sir, my good sir, you are truly one uncouth lad. I am supremely offended at your implying that Ms. Ryan is to be called such things. If you disagree with her proclamations, you should do so with the eloquence of the pen, rather than the bawdiness of the text.

Please, young sir, do better next time. Now then, off to the playground with you! Pip pip!

Yours faithfully,

Ari Schwartz, Lord of Snark