Crap Email From A Dude: How To Fight Back...Ish

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Welcome again to crap email from a dude, in which you provide us with crap emails you've received from dudes and we post them up because they're funnier than the shit we make up on our own. In this installment — which concerns a short-long-distance pair named Melissa and Pete who bonded and boned over the holidays, then boned again when he took a business trip a week later and commenced a long distance something of sorts — you get the added DVD bonus of Melissa's semi-crazy reply. Melissa and Pete initally seemed meant to be, given shared industries and jukebox choices. At ten years her senior, he seemed fairly mature, and eager to incorporate her into his life, starting with a a freelance gig working for his company. But when he cancelled a business meeting she was supposed to attend with numerous other executives the day before it was scheduled, she began to suspect something was a-crap. For two weeks she tolerated his distance and gradually-more-boring emails, then called him on it. Behold 'Crap Email From a Dude.' The names are made up but the emotional unavailability is real...


From: Pete
Date: Feb 2, 2007 3:59 PM
Subject: Re:
To: Melissa

So did [freelance employer] at least pay for the breakfast? did you go with him on the [work shit]? (Ellipses filled paragraph of professional musings)

awful day. again. the [work shit] just pulled out of both of my [work shit] projects. and one asshole [work shit] said he was 'appalled' by [work shit]..
(More ellipses, more work shit)

technically i should've [work shit] by our lawyers, but [work shit]...oh well.

how is your [other personal work shit] going?

i'm sorry i've been be honest i've had some drama in the last two weeks i didn't want to tell you about. someone from my past who i was interested, is suddenly interested in me...and i'm confused. but, didn't want to tell you that because i also like you, and i hate messy situations. so, i'm sorta backing off until i figure it out. which i hope doesn't make you think i'm a first class ass...i'm not. i don't think. crap, why doesn't anything ever get easy. always with me...more later...


From: Melissa
Date: Feb 2, 2007 4:36 PM
Subject: Re:
To: Pete


1. my [work shit] is not going as productively as desired, but what else is new..


2. i think transparency is easiest here, but transparency is tough. first of all, i will never think you, of all people, are even a coach class ass. i like you a lot, but i've also been through a lot, and this happens all the time. every time i become interested in someone, for instance, those assholes of yore come out of the woodwork. timing is a bitch that way. don is extra-solicitous and bent on stealing phone share and mind share, the ex decides he is going to start being sweet again, random myspace guys want to play frenetic email soul mate... it's all bullshit! unless it isn't. if she's someone you're really interested in, yeah, awesome, go for that. since I live in [a city] and you live in [a different city] I have no expectations, and I had v. meaningless sex with an old roommate recently just to drive home that point to myself, but I like you and want to be your friend. I would rather you date someone else than be distant while you're trying to figure out how you feel about me. Because, honestly, you can't possibly know. I am here. You (and she) are there! Tell me about her, I am good with these things. And if you're still confused on February 9 we should have sex in [your town] just so you can, you know, see how many times you think about her while it happens. Kisses! M



Yes, his email wasn't the most articulate, and he could have done without the passive aggressive "why can't stuff be easy" line, but it doesn't seem like she was at all bothered by it. In fact, she'd already fucked someone else. It's humorous, but it doesn't meet the same caliber as the previous emails.

They obviously didn't lay out their expectations in the beginning, which is a smart thing to do in an LDR.