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Crap Email From A Dude

Illustration for article titled Crap Email From A Dude

Welcome to "Crap Email From A Dude," a Jezebel public service campaign in which we run actual emails, in all their ellipses-laden glory, from actual dudes. Because they are actual, we do not provide identifying characteristics, although we've furnished this lovely picture for visual inspiration (suffice it to say, the author is an emosogynist of "gargantuan" proportions).The beauty of the crap email, as you'll see below, is the fundamental dishonesty couched in its I've-been-nothing-but-straightforward-with-you veracity, the inconsistency that professes itself to be consistent, and well basically the sense that the sender's own self-regard inures him to the idea that he might, yeah, just be a pretty standard-grade douche. Enjoy!


Hey... I dont really know what to say. I am really sorry if I have hurt you in anyway. I have a tremendous respect and admiration of you and gratitude towards you and certainly would never intend to hurt your feelings or intentionally do anything to have you lose any feelings towards me. Things don't really seem awkward to me. Or no more awkward then is to be expected. What were you expecting?

I wonder if you were sensing some of my ambivalence about all of this, but I think ambivalence is pretty understandable, under the garguatuan circumstances of all of this, no? I dont really know what to make of all of deserve a lot, probably more than I can give you. I think I've just needed to go far slower than you are comfortable with. Again, I am sorry if you feel bad, either about yourself or towards me. That has never been my intention...

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Rooo sez BISH PLZ

Wait a minute, wait a minute - the poor guy must have been cut off short (no doubt to go deal with his gargantuan issues) before he could finish his beautiful missive. He didn't have time to write: "I know you'll find someone soon who appreciates everything that makes you unique. But I'm just not in a place right now where I can give you everything that you deserve, as I warned you from the beginning. Please don't be mad as I'd really like us to stay friends. YOU'RE A REALLY SPECIAL PERSON."

There's a template out there, you know. They give it out with jock straps.

HA!! Clearly. Since numerous unthinking parents have unleashed these trolls, they should be branded — somewhere visibly identifiable at 20 paces — so that the next woman who goes near one can at least control (and hopefully minimize, since the trolls seem to keep getting away with this) her risk of involvement.

Oh, and to Mr. "Girlz Do It Too" Whining Man? SoOOO not. the. point. Women like that make the rest of us look bad. See above.

However, to quote you dudez? "This particular conversation is not about that."

So, NO cheese with your whine today.