Craigslist Ad Seeks '2 Coachella Boyfriends' Who Are '30% Bro'
LatestCoachella: that annual event at which the most wretched of the Earth cluster together in the blistering heat, each one clad in jorts and feathers like some sort of atavistic hell-bird, all in order to poop outside while music that’s been licensed by The CW plays in the background. A veritable paradise on Earth! But what is paradise without a divine companion?
That’s a question that two anonymous Craigslist posters addressed head-on, in a post entitled “Needed: 2 Coachella Boyfriends for weekend 1.” The text of the boyfriend-seeking posting is as follows, with some interstitial commentary:
Looking for 2 males interested in spending part of their Coachella experience with 2 fun-loving girls. Interested parties should be ready to embark on the adventure as Coachella partners-in-crime and stand-in Coachella Boyfriends. Said girls have gone to Coachella several times and will be going again with a larger group of friends so applicants should play nice with others.
Coachella veterans seek partners-in-crime. Sounds cool. What does the ideal match look like, I wonder?
General personality and character should be represented by approximately 30% bro (don’t lie, there is a little of it in all of you — just admit it to yourself and save us the time), 7.5% hipster/indie, 12.5% raver and 50% normal.
There is no such thing as “approximately 7.5” or “approximately 12.5.” Those are very specific numbers. With that said, I cannot even imagine what freakish Frankenstein would fit these personality proportions. I picture a man in a business suit with the sleeves ripped off to reveal a tribal tattoo, clutching a Glo Stick to his heaving breast. He is wearing a baseball hat with a sports logo on it over a lamé headband. He is a monster.
Coachella Boyfriends should be interested (but not limited to) seeing some of the following acts: Outkast, Adventure Club, Zedd, Fatboy Slim, Big Gigantic, Kid Cudi, Calvin Harris, Elli Goulding [sic], Gareth Emery, Alesso, Lorde, Duck Sauce, Showtek.
Absolutely no applicants with an affinity for AFI (aka whiney ass bitch music).
Does “Duck Sauce” even have a song that isn’t that Barbra Streisand song? I don’t know if it’s okay to disparage AFI while cherishing Duck Sauce.
Other requirements:
– 24 years or older
– 6 feet tall (willing to accept 5’11” if you are *actually* that height – no rounding up, let’s be honest here)
– Current San Francisco resident
– Must already have your own Coachella Weekend 1 ticket
– General physical stamina and ability to carry a girl on your shoulders
– Know how to handle your shit (blacking out and forgetting the festival is the minor leagues buddy)
– Understands and appreciates the natural wonder that is car camping
– Understands and appreciates the natural wonder that is car camping and still plans on utilizing the -shower through said 3-days of camping
– Embraces morning day-drinking
– Bonus for above-par beer pong skills
– Preference given to applicants applying as a pair of friends.
“General physical stamina and ability to carry a girl (plus her conceptual headdress!!!) on your shoulders, like some common beast of burden.”
To apply please email us your name, a picture, a short description of why you are interested in being a Coachella Boyfriend, and top 3 Coachella acts you’d like to see.Applicants meeting these requirements will be followed up with accordingly.
Thanks for your interest and happy Coachella!
Happy Coachella indeed. Best of luck to all; I look forward to you receiving a book deal in the near future. Whatever you do, please don’t call it Coachellove. PLEASE.