Couple Surrenders To The Sweltering Carnal Atmosphere of Home Depot

As the timeless Southern poet Barry Hannah once implored, “Who among us has not fucked in Home Depot?” There’s just such an ambiance. Empty window frame displays hung on a 90 degree angle that you can open and close? In a depressing strip mall between a PetCo and a Michaels Arts & Crafts? As a middle-aged guy harangues a bored employee about the difference between plywood and pressed wood 2 x 4s for his deck? It’s like a Tennessee Williams play.

One South Carolina couple — Emily Craig, 21, and Sean Bowden, 30 — could not fight this feeling anymore. The Smoking Gun sensually unfolds the tale as so many yards of silk:

Craig, cops noted, was “partially clothed; the top of her dress was untied, hanging at her waist.” Bowden was shirtless and “had his pants down near his knees; his penis was exposed.”

“It became apparent that they were engaged in sexual intercourse within the shed.”

Craig and Bowden… were each arrested for disorderly conduct. Bowden was also hit with an indecent exposure count for “having his genitals within public view”. Additionally, Craig was charged with providing false information for initially giving officers an incorrect name.

We are but human, susceptible to the physical temptation of comically wide aisles that waft with erotic notes of duct tape and Murphy’s Multi-Use Oil Soap. Give it to God, ladies.