Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover

Illustration for article titled Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover

If your boyfriend or husband has been laid off recently, beware: All that free time has turned him into a chronic masturbator, and he's singlehandedly (heh) ruining your sex life. Cosmo recommends you crack the whip — literally.


In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

Illustration for article titled Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover

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I would like to commision a JezzieArtist to draw various portraits of a vulva, vagina, ovaries, falopian tubes, and pubis mound, and as a bonus a random taint. This items will be included in the colouring and activities book to be given to my amour for christmas. There will also be a two page fold out sticker portion of a penis and testes. The stickers will include, ice cubes, scrunchies, wax, a cup of tea, and ice cream. Also included will be a package of rainbow glitter and glue stick for the vulva and co. pictures.

I would never have thought of this perfect present if not for Cosmo. You Go Girl!