Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

I am mildly obsessed with Cosmo. A while back, I opined that my compulsive need to pull it from the newsstand is due to it being The Onion for feminists. The October issue is living up to that reputation.

Sex Panic, Bad Girl Sex, The Sexy Ass Workout - at Cosmo, every day is your Sexiest! Day! Ever!

Cosmo's Man Manual claims to teach you to read his body language, but for some reason, this shot does not say "I love you." It's somewhere between the pensive stare you see on soap operas and the look you give someone before you hit them with an ice pick.

Cosmo ain't sayin' you a gold digger/you just ain't messin' with no broke frat boys. 59% of the magazine's readers say that they would "be more likely to go out with" a guy they're on the fence about if he was a baller. The also got Helen Fisher to say it's due to our lady biology. Cosmo's conclusion? "So when you're checking out a guy's designer clothes, as 74 percent of you do, you're really instinctually sussing out his resources."

Still wondering how to nab that Armani suit collar popper? Cosmo helps you figure out how much cash you can take him for by providing evasive questions. So posing a hypothetical about a friend struggling with debt really allows you to see if he has a negative credit score. Cosmo's expert, Pepper Schwartz, says "If he brushes it off as a common mistake, he might have a bad credit history himself." Or, he may be politely telling you to mind your own business.

On a date with Richie Rich and you need to impress him? Try using your thong (the one you currently have on) as a hair tie! It's supposed to sub in for your ponytail holder/cock ring in a pinch, but do I really need my lady juices all up in my hair? (My test panel consisting of four guys I can quickly call to fact check all had the same reaction: eww, why?)

Another sure fire way to impress a dude on a date? Act like an asshole. Cosmo advises us to get a free beer "without using your boobs" by grabbing an empty bottle, filling it with warm water in the bathroom then handing it back to the overworked bartender while accusing them of serving you a warm beer. Classy!

Later, we hear the tale of a guy with a 9 3/4ths-inch dick who calls it The Hammer and wraps his flaccid dick around his wrist as a party trick. His girlfriend won him over by telling his friends her "big vagina" could handle the Hammer.

The magazine's Sex 911 article leads with the horrifying "His Penis 'Broke' During Extra Vigorous Sex." The doc explains that we shouldn't thrust so high and wildly while on top, but how does that go with the sex advice on page 129? Am I supposed to control my thrust while doing the on-his-dick-back-bend-over-the-couch you describe?

Note to Cosmo: Being cocky only works when you can back it up with action. "Redesigning your company's Website...and have no freakin' idea what you're doing" is not one of those times. The sassy poses you included in the side bar are not going to fix HTML fail.

Finally Megan Fox is about to be the victim of a drive by if she doesn't stop talking about Angelina Jolie. The tabloids have it backwards - she isn't stressed out because of Brad, she's stressed from this fake celeb beef/stalkerish admiration/compulsive comparison. The pull quote above is actually Fox referring to the fact that Jolie is aging gracefully.