Congressman Apologizes For Being Appalled By Michelle Obama's Gargantuan Ass

Republican Wisconsin Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner was overheard yapping disparagingly about the size of the First Lady’s backside, claiming that if Michelle Obama actually practiced what she preached regarding fitness and nutrition, her butt would be smaller. He’s since apologized, but regardless of whether or not the notoriously dickish politician is actually sorry, can we at least agree that wasting time and energy discussing the ass size of people who are not directly in the ass slinging business is, well, assy?

The conversation that has everyone taking sides regarding Mrs. Obama’s gluteus maximus occurred at a church auction in Wisconsin three weeks ago, according to FishbowlDC. Sensenbrenner started by telling a female fellow attendee that he was sick and tired about MObama’s “Let’s Move!” campaign. How could she possibly be living according to the principles she extolled, he reasoned, with a big butt like that? While the Congressman waited for a flight at a DC airport, a staffer called him, apparently to inform him that someone from the media was going to report his asspert opinion, and Sensenbrenner said that he “stood by his word.” A Democratic operative sitting nearby eavesdropped on the conversation and told Media Bistro. After everyone ran around waving their hands in the air and rending their clothes yesterday, Sensenbrenner has sent the First Lady a personal apology note.

Which brings us to where we are right now, as a nation: fighting multiple foreign wars, bleeding money out all orifices, completely beholden to insurance companies who administrate health care, suffering from high unemployment and skyrocketing education costs, threatened with subjugation to zygotes and corporations, vulnerable to being censored or imprisoned indefinitely without reason by the government, being led by a group of self-tanner happy knuckleheads — and we’re talking about the First Lady’s ass.

While this tale of a loudmouth conservative pol who is built like a deep sea invertebrate ridiculing the fitness of a woman with famously toned arms fits neatly into the “Republicans will criticize the Obamas for literally everything, even made up things” narrative, it’s time to shut this down and move on. Michelle Obama’s ass doesn’t need defending. We don’t need to rush to debunk claims that she could stand to lose some weight any more than we need to defend her against charges that she’s secretly of the Reptilian race; it’s such an outrageous claim that it doesn’t warrant the response it’s gotten. Whether we’re defending or denigrating Mrs. Obama’s butt, we’re still bringing her body into a conversation she didn’t initiate. And that’s really fucking creepy.

Besides, the longer we linger on the pressing national issue of the anatomy of the wife of the President, the less energy we have to focus on more important things. Like Kim Jong Il dropping the bass.