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Comparing A Vadge To Cottage Cheese Is A Love Letter We Will Tear The Fuck Up

Illustration for article titled Comparing A Vadge To Cottage Cheese Is A Love Letter We Will Tear The Fuck Up

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. After a slow week last week - aside from the scandal of posting Rian from The Skinny's photo - we're back in business! Jenny and her little bitch Todd continue to irk us on I Don't Like You In That Way, while a newbie - Drunken Stepfather - makes them look like Mr. Rogers in the Land of Make Believe. But as usual, Rian continues to remind us why posting that photo of her last week was totally obligatory (to quote her sorry ass). Let the Jezebel Justice System begin.


The Charge: Rampant Hypocrisy
The Accused: "Wah, wah, they're being mean to me and my little innocent blog!" whiner Rian from The Skinny. How's it feel to finally get picked first for something?
The Evidence: "Hayden Panettiere has been photographed leaving the gym nearly every day lately. Here are some new pictures from this past Friday...And, the obligatory cellulite photo."
Points for Good Behavior: None. So over this chick and her dumb blog and her own weight loss "journey." which is clearly fucked up. Hayden However-You-Spell-Her-Last-Name is like Olsen-sized and totally cute and there's no such thing as "an obligatory cellulite photo" unless you are a fat-obsessed asshat who spends her days analyzing the tiny weight fluctuations of celebrities. You know what those tiny fluctuations are, Rian? Bowel movements. Try it.
The Sentence: Participating in a mayonnaise eating competition.

The Charge: Multiple counts of Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: The mysterious person — male we assume — who blogs for Drunken Stepfather.
The Evidence: "I was always so disappointed every time I'd get with a hot girl who had a perfect body only to find out that her vagina either looked like a pinkish brown bowl of cottage cheese or smelled like a fuckin' sewer. I am sure I wasn't as disappointed as they were when they found out that my penis looked more like a vagina that their vagina did, because let's face it, girls like huge cock and not over-sized clits, unless they are lesbians/rape victims, in which case they don't like any cock, and I never really minded fucking a bowl of cottage cheese, as long as it wasn't too cold...because I have no real standards."
Points For Good Behavior: It's kind of clear he's insane?
The Sentence: Prefaced with "run-on", and [Insert equally as offensive prison rape joke.]

The Charge: Fat-ernizing
The Accused: Basically bland Nick from Celeb Slam.
The Evidence: "Man, Bill Gates played this all wrong. Don't get me wrong, if I was as rich as him, I'd have gone to the concert, too. But at the end of the show I would have presented Kelly with a beautiful gift basket full of candy and pastries. I might have even taken her for a night out on the town, wining and dining her at one of Seattle's finest restaurants. On me of course. And then the next day I would have bought her production company and fired her for being fat."
Points for Good Behavior: In general, Celeb Slam is fairly link and boob-photo heavy and therefore about as offensive as an issue of Maxim. Like, it goes without saying that the standards for "fat" by which women are judged is totally different from the ones for men. But jokes about Kelly Clarkson being fat are boring and stupid. Wait, actually, jokes about any woman being fat are boring and stupid. But with Kelly Clarkson, it's like, you can almost see her rolling her eyes. Like, maybe once upon a time your insult would drive me to the Little Debbie aisle. Like when I was twelve.
The Sentence: Pretty sure being boring and predictable is punishment enough.

The Charge: Hurting Our Feelings
The Accused: Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Evidence: "Plus [Alicia Keys] has acne, and it's common knowledge that God hates chicks with acne."
Points for Good Behavior: Jenny and Todd have been pretty meh lately which is why we've been laying off them, because we're fair cunts, but this one hit us where it hurts, namely the acne scars we have from the teenage years spent on Accutane, which was doubly annoying because HELLO IT MAKES NO SENSE.
The Sentence: Butt-ne!

The Charge: Unreasonable Uglifying
The Accused: As-yet-unnamed person behind F-Listed, a site which is way too lame to have a name that resembles Michael K's totally brill DListed.
The Evidence: "To think that Maggie Gyllenhaal popped out of the same crack as brother Jake is absolutely inconceivable. Talk about an unfortunate looking face. I've seen anal cavities more attractive than her."
Points for Good Behavior: F-Listed uses the word "snatch" a little often for us to give any points in its favor. Also, Maggie Gyllenhaal is totally cute, if a little droopy eyed.
The Sentence: FListed's one lone reader, besides us, discovers DListed and defects.

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: He's baaaaackkkk! Perez Hilton returns after a few weeks off.
The Evidence: A picture of Lauren Conrad with the word "BEEF!" scrawled on it, referencing his (and Spencer Pratt's!) nickname for her, "Beef Curtains".
Points for Good Behavior: Well clearly he's been behaving himself lately since we haven't been including him in our roundup. But we knew another "beef curtains" reference would come along eventually, sending us into a fury that a guy who's never been up close and personal with a vagina (since birth, at least) feels like he can comment on the attractiveness of one woman's below the belt action.
The Sentence: Well, if Perez eventually loses his fair use paparazzi photo stealing case, he won't be scrawling anything anywhere anymore. Victory!

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I just want to throw up.