Comment of the Day: Get Ready to Celebrate 'White People's Day'

Illustration for article titled Comment of the Day: Get Ready to Celebrate 'White People's Day'

An Arizona lawmaker believes white people should get their own holiday, and stetson37 has some brilliant ideas about just how we should celebrate such a meaningful occasion:

I think you ladies (and gents) are seriously misunderestimating the value of a White People's Day. I modestly propose this becomes reality as the federal holiday of "Real America" Day. It should take place on Tax Day, historically a shameful day in which America oppresses its white peoples by making them fund one of the greatest and most successful experiments in democracy in human history that they all directly benefit from, which is clearly one of the worst things that can happen to a human being.

While highlighting the contributions of our palest ethnic group, this is truly a holiday meant for everyone, allowing us to bridge the painful gaps that keep ethnics, the gays, and heathens from understanding how much you owe us white male Christians for your human rights.

Highlights include:

-Special made-for-tv movies about the first white person forced to the second seat of the bus. Expect the Hallmark version to be extra tear-jerky, as this unsung and nameless hero is forced to take a seat 3 feet further from the door.

-Holiday-themed school and restaurant meals (Grilled Cheese made with traditional Kraft American and plain fried potato chips and a Coca-Cola for lunch, meatloaf with box mash potatoes, green beans, and a glass of whole milk for dinner).

-Tax-free shopping (to highlight the aforementioned plight of American whites still suffering from outrageously non-zero tax rates).

Now, I know for some, Real America Day will expose the sad true racism and oppression of our country, as countless minority frats hold "Suburbs Parties" where people dress up as investment bankers and politicians and use credit cards to pay for lattes, and once again the liberal media will dredge up the hurtful fact that we still have team names like the Sioux Nation Honkies and the Atlanta Black Crackers, that many grocery stores still have a "Caucasion" aisle where the marshmallow fluff, Special K cereal, Wonder Bread, twinkies, kale, and vitamin water are kept separate from "normal" foods, and the fact that every year more suburbs are lost to the aggressive minority gentrification of historically white strip malls and tract housing that continues unabashed.

But with a few book displays at your local library (recommended titles: "Beating (Egg) Whites: A People's History of Mayonnaise"; "Stop, Collaborate, and Listen: An Oral History of White Rap"; pretty much any NFL QB memoir), some token fluff pieces on the Today Show about the history of smooth jazz and the invention of lawncare, and some helmet stickers and outreach programs with your local sports teams, I think we can bridge this painful divide in American society and start healing some of the historical and cultural wounds with some honest and open dialogue.


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HOLY WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL!!! Thanks to everyone for making my day!!! :)