Comment of the Day: Crap Email From a Bird

Illustration for article titled Comment of the Day: Crap Email From a Bird

No sooner had we learned that male bowerbirds employ optical illusions to lure females, than glitter.thumbs uncovered this very amusing "crap email from a female bowerbird":

Hi fucker, you remember me? I was that female Bowerbird you tried to woo yesterday as I walked by your "twig canopy", if you can even call it that. But while your stone arrangements might look appealing, I could still see through the artifice. Oh yes.
You think you can deceive me with your rock foolery and manipulative knowledge of distance and perception? Here I was, strolling past this so-called 'gesso' with your sub-par "Stephen Baldwin" hut thing when you decide to throw fucking sticks and a peg at me. Like that will attract my attention.
Just so you know pal, I have male Bowerbirds lined up AROUND THE FOREST with the shiniest, smoothest pebbles scattered around their twig canopies. They don't need to line them up.
I mean, who are you fooling, sweetie? What, do you use a leveler or something? With a bubble gauge? Wow. I'll give you credit for operating those things considering your lack of thumbs and hands, but only to prevent me from feeling sorry for how pathetic your act is.
But really who the hell do you think you are anyway? Are you trying to bait me into your archway? Do you want to mate with me? You think your collection of sticks will do the trick? Ha! Loser. I would never mate with you in a million years. You're lucky I even glanced in your general direction.
And don't make me laugh with your shitty twig tunnel. It's not even round, it's oval shaped. Oval: The shape of losers.
So I'm sorry, Mr. Bowerbird. Try harder.
Sincerely, The greatest bird you shall never have.


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Antonym, mourning Va Va Get My Broom

I am so glad "bird" is slang for girl in the UK because it added a lot to this and now I'm chuckling deeply...