After reading this Crap Email —wherein a gem on eHarmony told a reader that "a woman's looks are one of the most important criteria I use in deciding whether to approach her" and that if the two of them were to begin dating she "would have competition"— Dinosaurs and Nachos, girlfriend! felt compelled to pen a reply of their own:
Dear A Dude from eHarmony:
It really is a beautiful day, and from my office I am looking out nowhere as I have no windows. The better to avoid seeing douchebags like you, though.
First let me say that I cannot imagine a long-term commitment with a guy who waffles between baseball teams, and certainly not one who sees no important difference between the AL and the NL. (Designated hitters FTW! But the Sox can still suck it.)
Now, let me tell you where I am right now. I am someone who, unfortunately, can spot an asshole who is trying to convince me he is sincere in order to get laid instead of taking the more successful route of just being sincere and telling me all you want is to get laid. Seriously, you want a lifetime companion but you have commitment issues? Either you need therapy (likely) or you are being disingenuous (more likely).
I never thought of myself as a "man-hater" but, after 30 seconds of reading your email, I can't help but be tempted. Then I remember that I don't hate men, just idiots. I appreciate your honesty about your lack of desire for exclusivity but you were entirely too wordy, my friend. You could have just said you were looking for something "casual" or to "have a little fun." Those are the designated code-words for "looking to get laid by multiple people as often as possible."
So now you get to decide whether or not you want to keep talking to me. If you do, you must abide by my terms for our little "dialog." I don't like people who insist on setting the ground rules for future conversations by which I must abide. (Irony, I has it.) I really don't like men who try to use classic control techniques to gain something I might not be ready to give-like an email address-while simultaneously refusing to understand why a lady might choose to keep that information to herself for safety's sake. At best, you are a privileged idiot and at worst, you are a potential controlling abuser.
And if we do continue on, I would at least like to see one email where you refrain from mansplaining. It's all well and good to request another picture of me, and you could have even done so in a complimentary way. For example, "While your picture was lovely, I have no doubt that you have many pictures which are even more lovely. I would greatly appreciate if you would share some of those pictures as well, because I am a gentleman who has always been fond of admiring a lovely woman who might enjoy such attention." Maybe it's shallow of me to want a compliment from a man who is expressing romantic interest, but it's far better than that little attempt at negging. Mostly because it is more likely to work. Again, maybe that's shallow but that the way it is for me.
And, Dude, a word of advice from a friend, I think that's the way it is for most people. We enjoy spending time with people who make us feel good. You sound like you feel like you are a good catch, though I'm not sure you are. So I remind you to how important the first impression is, and urge you not to be such an asshat in your written communications.
So now you've got my situation. Feel free to stop using "have got" at any time because it makes you sound stupid. Give me credit for being honest at least.
You may now pass the cake plates.
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