Comic Neue Is Nothing More Than the Demon Bastard Child of Comic Sans

You’ve waited a thousand years, enduring goofy font-laden email and flyer after goofy font-laden email and flyer. But finally justice has prevailed. Behold—a usurper to the crown of the House Comic has arisen. Now we enter the dawn of the Age of Comic Neue.

Comic Sans is the embodiment of everything awful in the world. All the great blogging scholars agree—Comic Sans is the absolute fucking worst. Are you dying from a painful disease that is eating you slowly from the inside? Chances are, it’s still not a worse feeling than getting an email delivered to you in Comic Sans font.

Comic Sans is literally the worst thing in all of humanity. Poor Comic Sans. Everyone hates it worse than the ending of Lost. Comic Sans is despised with the fire of a billion suns burning in a billion solar systems. There is actual science to back this up, in fact. We conducted an informal Internet survey and ascertained the top five most hated, evil things in all of history and human society:

5. Hitler

4. King Joffrey Baratheon

3. San Francisco’s East Bay Bridge during the 5 p.m. commute

2. Hitler’s way too enabling friend, Bob.

1. Comic Sans

Comic Sans is the typographic embodiment of that weird, socially awkward aunt your mother insists on inviting to all your major life events. Here you are, getting all excited about your bridal shower that just might have a chance to make into Martha Stewart Weddings. Then your mother leans in and whispers “by the way, I invited Comic Sans. I saw you crumbled her invitation up and threw it in the garbage. I just want you to get along.” OH GOD so now you have to shove all your pride down into your belly and force yourself to ask Comic Sans what kind of dinner plate they want at the reception. And goddammit you just know Comic Sans is going to ask you for fish. Typical Comic Sans.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be friends. Comic Sans is still that dopey, moronic imbecile who farts at the dinner table and makes wisecracks about blaming it on the dog. UGH SHUT UP COMIC SANS, WE KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO JUST FARTED. Because Comic Sans is a constant, never-ending continual fart at the sacred table of typography.

So along comes Comic Neue. Comic Neue wants to turn the Dairy Queen of fonts into Le Cirque.

Comic Sans wasn’t designed to be the world’s most ubiquitous casual typeface. Comic Neue aspires to be the casual script choice for everyone including the typographically savvy. The squashed, wonky, and weird glyphs of Comic Sans have been beaten into shape while maintaining the honesty that made Comic Sans so popular.

There is more fawning descriptiveness in this paragraph about a font than in the last London Times review of the Bolshoi Ballet.

It’s perfect as a display face, for marking up comments, and writing passive aggressive office memos.

What??? Who, me? Write passive aggressive office memos? No, no, I—-I don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, I use Gill Sans whenever I want to send an email about proper cupcake sharing etiquette.

Here is the mind-blowing difference between the Pol Pot of fonts, Comic Sans, and Comic Neue the new apparent Mother Teresa of All Typography:

Oh yes, I can see how using this particular font would make me a whole lot less stabby when Valerie in Human Resources emails me to point out that I came in at 8:04 and not 8 a.m. as I indicated on my time card last week. Not that it has any bearing on my actual paycheck and not that it matters since I’m on salary but she just wanted to make sure I knew that. Thanks, girlfriend!

From what I can gather, it basically looks like they sent Comic Sans to boot camp for a few weeks. Comic Neue is little more than a toned and tightened version of America’s most villainous font. Comic Neue is like me that month I gave up soda and went around inappropriately showing off my new flat belly.

Maybe Comic Neue will change things. Maybe people will finally embrace it as the new, true casual font. I don’t know. I won’t be able to tell until I get my cousin’s invitation to that monthly seminar he does at the local YMCA on how to manage your way to financial freedom with these “six simple steps.”