College Gals Should Make Husband-Hunting Their Major, Says Idiot

I don’t know about you, but I get ALL my relationship advice from the Wall Street Journal. So boy was I jazzed about today’s Valentine’s Day op-ed, titled, “A Little Valentine’s Day Straight Talk”! Finally, somebody’s going to give it to me straight!

Welp. Turns out, author and Lucille Bluth cosplayer Susan Patton’s “straight talk” is pretty much just regular talk (for straights!)—i.e. it’s just the same old “MRS degree” bullshit we’ve been fed for generations. It’s the status quo. It’s the dinner-table rantings of your worst great auntie. Patton literally tells you not to let men milk your udders for free. THE COW METAPHOR. SHE GOES FOR IT.

I’m not going to spend a bunch of time dissecting this shit, because it’s Friday and I don’t want to get shit all over me. (But by all means: dissect away in comments! Dissect your hearts out! Wash your hands afterwards!) I would simply like to register, on the record, that Susan Patton is a silly person who does not understand things.

Exhibit A(aaaaaaaasdlkfjhasldfjksdfjh):

Despite all of the focus on professional advancement, for most of you the cornerstone of your future happiness will be the man you marry. But chances are that you haven’t been investing nearly as much energy in planning for your personal happiness as you are planning for your next promotion at work. What are you waiting for? You’re not getting any younger, but the competition for the men you’d be interested in marrying most definitely is.

Think about it: If you spend the first 10 years out of college focused entirely on building your career, when you finally get around to looking for a husband you’ll be in your 30s, competing with women in their 20s. That’s not a competition in which you’re likely to fare well. If you want to have children, your biological clock will be ticking loud enough to ward off any potential suitors. Don’t let it get to that point.

Exhibit B(arf):

When you find a good man, take it slow. Casual sex is irresistible to men, but the smart move is not to give it away. If you offer intimacy without commitment, the incentive to commit is eliminated. The grandmotherly message of yesterday is still true today: Men won’t buy the cow if the milk is free.

Exhibit C (U LATER, YOU RIDICULOUS GOON):

Not all women want marriage or motherhood, but if you do, you have to start listening to your gut and avoid falling for the P.C. feminist line that has misled so many young women for years.

Attention, women. There is no single right way to “do” womanhood. I was alone for every single day of college and now, ten years later, I have a rad career AND the greatest dude alive. You will meet the people you meet. If you love school, do school. If you love work, do work. If you love love, love your loves. If you have sex, your value does not diminish. Your body is not a rapidly decaying prison filled with priceless metaphorical cow-juice. You are a human being, just like men are human beings, and you get to do all of the things that human beings do. My only directive for you is this: Never, ever listen to anyone who uses the term “P.C.” because that is a DODO WORD ONLY FOR DODOS.