Collectively, the Jezebel Staff Is Almost Qualified to Work as a Rich Person's Butler/Nanny

Recently, a Silicon Valley family with enough money to bring in an entire staff of ringers to live the most boring parts of their lives for them posted a job listing calling for a household manager/nanny. Ostensibly, they were looking for just one CPR-certified proficient texter to dole out math riddles to 10-year-olds while simultaneously compiling data from vacation research into spreadsheet format and tossing a water polo ball to mom in the pool. As I read through the list, it occurred to me that, though I have four degrees, it’s possible that I do not possess a single skill this family is looking for, perhaps not even the capacity for love.

But because I am lucky enough to work with a team of the most talented people I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting, I felt very confident that the lot of us might possess enough knowledge to win the honor of doing menial tasks for rich people. And we do, almost! Rich people, if you’re reading, here’s what you’ll get when you hire an entire team of people to do the work you’re asking of one person:

Emily Alford: Hi pals, could you help me out with a Friday blog by looking at these rich people’s nanny/butler requirements and telling me which of the tasks you might be able to perform?

Joan Summers: Is Parasite-ing them an option?

Megan Reynolds: As managing editor, I can do most of this but I don’t know how to drive, and all the physical requirements I really don’t have the energy for.

Joan Summers: Can I be the driver?

Kelly Faircloth: I possess the shitty bootleg TJ Maxx equivalent of most of these skills.

Joan Summers: Emily, I am highly disorganized, can only speak in partial Japanese, and don’t have a passport. Also, duck eggs are gross.

.Emily Alford: Can anyone ski?

Kelly Faircloth: Absolutely not. Also, I would definitely hand these kids crackers and turn on Frozen.

Megan Reynolds: I can ski.

Emily Alford: Yay! We got that one. We’re doing really good.

Alexis Sobel Fitts: As far as I know I am not allergic to duck eggs. I can speak English as a second language as a first language.

Garrett Schlichte: I can always quantify how much fish people need.

Ashley Reese: I can use word, cook, do a short mountain hike, and swim. I probably will not remember to give your kid their vitamins.

Shannon Melero: I would like to teach these imaginary children about woso since they like sports.

Alexis Sobel Fitts: Do you administer vitamins and calcium supplements the same way you do it for dogs? Cover it in peanut butter and hold their mouth shut until they swallow while massaging their throat? If so, I can do that.

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I could help with the basic math homework and probably send the emails. I would fucking REFUSE to do everything else.

Kelly Faircloth: “Mom is a CEO and needs to relax on the weekends” — me mumbling into the giant pile of laundry I need to fold.

Emily Alford: So Kelly, you would not be available to throw the water polo ball to the mother?

Kelly Faircloth: All these rich people trying to retro engineer grit into their children when the best thing they could do is make them do some chores.

Emily Alford: So you’re saying you could influence the children positively in self-discipline?

Kelly Faircloth: Yes, I feel confident in that.

Emily Alford: Okay if anyone is CPR certified and/or speaks French, Spanish, or plays the piano, we got the job!

Alexis Sobel Fitts: I can recite the Canterbury tales in Middle English?

Emily Alford: That’s close enough. We did it!

Kelly Faircloth: We’re definitely like dirtbag Auntie Mame.

Alexis Sobel Fitts: Lots of marketable skills over here.