Cocktails Inspired By Objectionable People

We recently received a list of “drool worthy cocktails” conceived in honor of sexy actors — but we decided the world really needs more cocktails named after awful people. Mix it up, after the jump.

The list, drawn up by a marketing company that represents liquor brands, included some head-scratchers, like the Russian Standard Moscow Mule for Brad Pitt (maybe inspired by this bizarre traffic-calming measure?). We at the Jezebel Mixology Headquarters think we can do better. Behold:

The Charlie Sheen

Jack and Coke, heavy on the Coke. Drink some, then pour it all over the room.

The Michael Lohan

Whiskey, bitters, and a little jailhouse fermented fruit-cup — served on the rocks, like his daughter’s career.

The John Mayer

A White Russian, but at the bottom there’s something disgusting, like Campari. Or napalm. Unaccountably, this drink is enjoyed by attractive women.

The Smoosh on the Beach

Inspired by the cast of Jersey Shore: vodka, peach schnapps, pineapple juice, and lots of orange juice, garnished with a pickle. Drinking this will make you yell at people a lot and put used pads in their beds.

The Mel Gibson

A gin martini — but in place of vermouth, substitute pure bile. Garnish with a cocktail onion and a restraining order.

The Tucker Max

Beer. Duh. You’re ugly.

The Ke$ha

Like a cosmo, but with Popov vodka and cranberry Vitamin Water instead of actual juice. Throw a slug of grenadine in that shit and pretend it’s just as good as what everybody else is drinking, even though you know it isn’t.

The Joe Francis

This frozen mango-rita will make you take your shirt off. After that, you have no rights. Obviously.