Clinic Will Shoot You in the Crotch With a Laser to Create a Thigh Gap

If you’re one of those disgusting Josie Grossies whose thighs rub together when they walk—almost as though human legs were enormous meat-sticks located right next to one another—WEEP NO MORE. Texas is here to help.

A Dallas clinic is offering “thigh gap therapy,” in which they blast you in the crotch region with a “cold laser” and your thighs magically move farther apart. I’m sure it works. Like, really really well.

Via CBS:

Thrive offers a cold laser therapy called Zerona, which claims to contour the shape of the body, shrinking and flushing away fat cells even in the most inconspicuous of places. It is pain-free and requires no surgery. “When I first came in, they told me to spread’em, and then I was nervous,” Tara admitted. “It’s a nice alternative. I can’t feel a single thing.”

“Everybody has one part of your body that it’s really hard to get fat off of,” added Thrive owner Clint Herzog. “And that’s where Zerona comes in. The laser goes in and it basically emulsifies that outside layer of the fat, and allows it to exit out of your lymphatic system.”

One client wanted thinner ankles. And, after a series of treatments, she lost more than one inch off of each ankle. “People get dramatic results,” Herzog said.

Obviously I don’t begrudge anyone their physical insecurities (I’m personally convinced that my face is a featureless potato), but I don’t know that obsessing about a thigh gap is a productive thing to worry about, or attempting to laser one in is a productive use of American cashmoneybucks.

If you could shoot a fat person with a laser and make them thin, YOU’D KNOW ABOUT IT ALREADY.