No, she doesn't know where she's going to college and she doesn't have a boyfriend. And if you want to keep your holidays merry and bright, you're just going to need to read this simple pamphlet and leave 17-year-old Arianna Simon alone to eat her Christmas ham, okay?

I spend the holidays with my partner's family — meaning I kind of just get left alone to get drunk and color and any accomplishments that I may or may not have achieved during the year are relayed to them by him — so I don't need one of these currently, but when I spent the holiday season with my family, a handy tip sheet to give my relatives would have been brilliant. Although, my relatives don't really ask questions as much as corner you and say "I've heard you're not working and have dropped out of school. You need to get your life together" and then don't believe you when you say that graduating and dropping out are similar but not exactly the same thing.

Simon says that the FAQ she made for her relatives, which started out as a gag gift (but not really), was well-received and really freed her up to spend more time with the relatives she liked to speak to...or something. I don't know. This kid is definitely brilliant, but isn't speaking to relatives you have no recollection of really part of the holiday tradition? There was a dude who came to all holiday celebration when I was a kid (he had glasses, I remember) who I was told was a relative but had no idea how. And every year I was surprised to see him! AND THAT WAS ALL PART OF THE FUN.

Here's Arianna's FAQ :

If you refrain from asking me these questions that I have nicely provided you the answers to, we will have a happy and loving holiday season! Thank you!

College: I have not decided where I want to go to college. Ideally, I'd be at UConn. But unfortunately, I have to get in first. The average GPA is just a little bit above mine. If I do not get it, I may go to RCC and transfer.

Boyfriends: No, I do not have a boyfriend right now, regardless of what my mom and may have told you.

Age: I turned 17 in October.. yes, I know time flies. I have gotten taller, that happens when you grow up.

Relatives: You might be my third cousin, but no- I do not remember you.

Good luck in college, Arianna! Consider a career in PR!

Image via Buzzfeed