Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Cleanliness Is Next to Manliness: Which Chores Will Get a Guy Laid?

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Not getting intercoursed enough, lads? It's probably because you're too fucking helpful around the house. A new sociological study has the gender traditionalists a-buzzing, because it says exactly that—it seems that couples who stick to gender segregated housework have more sex than couples who don't. Slightly more. Like, 1.6 times more. In other words, if my boyfriend cooks dinner every night while I work on the car, and we have sex 7 nights per week; and YOUR boyfriend, uh, plows fields all day while you embroider your trousseau, then you guys will be having sex a totally weird and excessive 11.2 times per week. Congrats! Personally, I'll hang on to my egalitarianism and this braised pork shoulder.

But the study got me thinking: What ARE the "traditionally masculine chores" that have these Henry Wadsworth Dongfellows constantly paddling up their girlfriends' Gitche-Gumees? Well, I did a study of my own (in my brain, using science) and ranked them for you in order of manliness, from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Vaginatown, USA (Population: Yeast!). I also calculated how many Sex Bucks™ each chore will earn you—redeemable for sex prizes at any area Silver Platters. You're welcome in advance for the UNENDING FONT OF PUSS I'm about to send your way, frustrated johnsons of America.

Spider Killing
Manliness Score: 100
Sex Bucks: 1,000,000 sex bucks. (Redeemable for 1,400 sexings [must be redeemed within one week] or 2-3 nights of "weird stuff.")
This one is obviously the manliest because it involves literal murder. Women are afraid of spiders because we know they can smell our secrets.


Chopping Wood
Manliness Score: 98
Sex Bucks: 50,000 sex bucks. (Redeemable for one "Paul Bunyan role play," and you get to choose who's the ox this time.)

Fixing the Car
Manliness Score: 76
Sex Bucks: 14,500 sex bucks. (Redeemable for 5 factory standard PIVs. Plus you can do that dumb thing with the whipped cream you're always talking about.)
We don't have chariots and dragons and horses anymore (thanks, GLOBAL WARMING), so the closest you can come to rescuing your damsel-in-distress is by vrooming out of the mist and changing her flat tire. Recalibrating her driveshaft. Stretching out her fan belt. And other car words of that nature. Enjoy your bone-a-thon in Wa-shag-a Beach, Sean Cameron! (That is a deep reference but I am standing by it.)


Home Repairs
Manliness Score: 51
Sex Bucks: 8,999 sex bucks. (Butt stuff.)
This chore is pretty hot and penisy, except that it sometimes involves using the word "sconce."

Taking Out the Garbage
Manliness Score: 49
Sex Bucks: 7,500 sex bucks. (Redeemable for 6-8 blow jobs, depending on length, and you don't have to tell her you love her for an entire year.)
Taking out the garbage involves touching smelly stuff and going outside where bandits, hill people, or coyotes could carry off your woman at any time. Best to handle this yourself, because you can't fuck something that's covered in garbage juice and/or newly engaged to Shagga, Son of Dolf.


Mowing the Lawn
Manliness Score: 40
Sex Bucks: 6,000 sex bucks. (Redeemable for 3 non-strenuous sex acts of your choice, and she won't make a gagging face when you use the word "horny.")
This also involves the outdoors, plus a loud and dangerous machine covered in spinning blades. Daps, Indiana Jones. However, it might come a hair too close to gardening, and everyone knows that nurturing a living thing wilts your nads. Try to neutralize the estrogen by urinating on a hydrangea or something. (BUSTED. HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT A HYDRANGEA LOOKS LIKE?)

Pulling Sopping Clumps of Hair Out of the Tub Drain
Manliness Score: 39
Sex Bucks:3,650 sex bucks. (Redeemable for 2 daytime blow jobs, or you can refer to the TV room as your "Man Cave" for 36 hours [but not in front of company].)
This seems like the kind of gross shit a woman should be doing, but it's also a lot like fighting a ghost. Seriously, tell me every single drain on earth isn't haunted. THEY'RE FULL OF GLISTENING PEOPLE-SLIME AND DEAD HAIR-BABIES. You are literally Van Helsing right now.


Manliness Score: 29
Sex Bucks: 1,399 sex bucks. (Hand job with the TV on.)
Slightly defeats vacuuming because it involves gripping a long hard rod.

Manliness Score: 21
Sex Bucks: 700 sex bucks. (Tepid hug if she's not busy.)
Cleaning up dirt? Hella girly. The only thing that keeps this from being sent to the vagina-dungeon (the boob-liette?) permanently is the fact that it involves a big loud machine. But you were THIS CLOSE, and if you could see my fingers right now you'd be like, "Whoa, that's really close."


Polishing the Silver
Manliness Score: 14
Sex Bucks: 50 sex bucks. (She'll brush her teeth before she yells at you for leaving your wet towel on the bed.)
First of all, are you an obsequious Edwardian footman? Who has silver that needs polishing? Even if you inherited that shit from your #1 granny, it belongs in a drawer. Stop putting valuables in your mouth. But second of all, even though polishing the silver is pretty egregiously wifely (it involves rags and cutlery), it does sound like a euphemism for masturbation. So I will allow it.

Manliness Score: 3
Sex Bucks: 11 sex bucks. (Redeemable for one "Snap Crackle Pop," which is where she shoves a Rice Krispie Treat in your mouth, flicks flour on your face, and then goes to sleep.)
Yeah, Anthony Bourdain or whatever, but come on.


Doing the Dishes
Manliness Score: -1,000
Sex Bucks: Negative 200 sex bucks. (Plus you have to watch this Say Yes to the Dress marathon and she's falling asleep first.)
haha ur a lady no 1 will sex u now feminism iz ded MEN WIN