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Christian Grey Is Not Real

Illustration for article titled Christian Grey Is Not Real

We are just a week away from the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey film and I really think we all need to take a solid two minutes to remind ourselves that Christian Grey is not, in fact, a real man.

I get it, E.L. James' writing is so expressive and realistic that perhaps Christian Grey truly did come alive for you in your imagination. But your imagination is not real life and that man does not exist. I bring this up because women are spending some of their hard-earned 78% of a man's salary on Fifty Shades of Grey products that seem to reflect a belief in Christian Grey's existence or at least his potential to exist.

Residents of The Escala—the real Seattle luxury building that is home to the fictional Christian Grey—are smartly cashing in on the upcoming release of the film by offering stays at their apartments on Airbnb. Just to be clear, if you pay for a stay at The Escala, (a three-day minimum) you will not run into Christian Grey on the elevator. I'm guessing that that one bedroom, one and a half bath unit doesn't have a red room and there is no helipad.


The product branding surrounding Fifty Shades of Grey is starting to resemble a Disney movie and everyone needs to counter that by keeping their feet firmly planted in reality. Do not believe the lies The Establishment is literally trying to sell you! Just like a man with whom you had six-year an on-and off relationship with will probably not magically change is mind one day and build you a closet the size of your current apartment, this far-fetched fantasy has a slim chance of coming to fruition.

Styleite has been compiling Fifty Shades of Grey-themed merchandise from both our corporate and Etsy friends and feel it is my duty as a woman to remind all other women that none of these products have any potential to turn Christian Grey into a real man.


If you buy this $79 makeup set, a fabulously wealthy businessman who has a thing for tying you up during sex will not whisk you away to a confined life of luxury.

Illustration for article titled Christian Grey Is Not Real

Wearing a grey bra from JC Penny will likely not turn you into a willowy college student who helplessly attracts the attention of a reclusive baron.

Illustration for article titled Christian Grey Is Not Real

If you buy this Fifty Shades Of Gray soap for your boyfriend or husband, he will not begin to exhibit Christian Grey-like qualities because Christian Grey was born of E.L. James' imagination, not her womb. Christian Grey does not smell like anything other than paper and glue.

Illustration for article titled Christian Grey Is Not Real

I'm not saying don't support the film, but make your purchasing decisions with the crystal clear knowledge that nothing you buy will ever bring you any closer to this man—he is fictional.

Lede image via Universal Pictures.

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Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

Please, let's make soap as a gift for others a not-thing.

Your soap isn't going to make me into some fantasy man who wants to commit SEXY acts of violence against you. It's just going to make me angry and violent in a "goddammit now I need to go punch my heavy bag because I have shitty smelling soap I need to use" way.

Don't buy soap for others. Please.