Chris Christie Is a Petty Asshole

Today, new emails have surfaced that prove what many have long suspected: Chris Christie is a vindictive, bullying asshole who has no business running a White Castle, much less an entire state.

Here’s what happened, in an extremely condensed version that likely skips over details (a full account can be found here):

Last fall, three lanes on a bridge connecting New Jersey and New York City were closed without warning, causing massive traffic backups in a town called Fort Lee (4 hour commutes, people weren’t able to get to the hospital, kids were late for the first day of school, etc). Fort Lee happened to be the home of a mayor who had refused to endorse New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for reelection. The Governor’s office claimed that the lanes were closed for a “traffic study” that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Chris Christie fancies himself to be the Tony Soprano of governors when he is, in fact, the Big Pussy of governors. He denied this up and down. His administration denied this up and down.

Chris Christie is a liar.

The smoking gun is an email from Bridget Anne Kelly, one of Christie’s three top aides, sent to a top Christie official at the Port authority. The email read, simply, “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee.” The entire email chain included such Christie officials as Christie’s re-election campaign manager/the state GOP chair and Christie’s spokesman.

And then, there’s this:

In one exchange of text messages on the second day of the lane closures, [Port Authority official] Wildstein alludes to messages the Fort Lee mayor had left complaining that school buses were having trouble getting through the traffic.

“Is it wrong that I’m smiling,” the recipient of the text message responded to Wildstein. The person’s identity is not clear because the documents are partially redacted for unknown reasons.

“No,” Wildstein wrote in response.

“I feel badly about the kids,” the person replied to Wildstein. “I guess.”

“They are the children of Buono voters,” Wildstein wrote, making a reference to Barbara Buono, the Democratic candidate for governor, who lost to Christie in a landslide in November.

What a bunch of constipated rectums! Holy shit!

Normally, this sort of thing would just be one megalomaniac swinging his dick around a room full of annoyed people. But Chris Christie wants to run for President in 2016. Imagine this guy with more at his disposal than the ability to close traffic lanes. Imagine him with an army, or a bomb, or the ability to veto bills. He’s already spent the better half of four years shitting on women’s rights in New Jersey; think of what he’d do on a national scale. Imagine the hours-long meeting between a President Christie’s cabinet members where the Secretary of State attempts, futilely, to convince Christie that the way to build a positive relationship with China is not to service our National Debt in pennies. Or that the way to square things up with Putin isn’t to leave a flaming bag of dog poop on the steps of the Kremlin. Or how it’s not cool if we punk Angela Merkel by ordering her 1000 pizzas from Italy and calling it a “stimulus.” THEY’RE NOT GOING TO PAY FOR THOSE, CHRISTIE! God. This fucking guy!

I hate to pull out the “if a woman did this….” card, but it’s worth it: If a female elected official acted this trifling, she’d be used as an example of why women shouldn’t hold political office. So emotional! So vindictive! So deceptive! They take things so personally! You know, all that menstrual madness. Thank goodness we have sensible men to steer us in the right direction. Right over the George Washington Bridge.