Choose Your Own Adventure Phone Sex Sounds Pretty Sexy?

Looking to spice up your boring-ass sex life? Fuck someone new! Or, if you want to stay in a committed, monogamous relationship — but you want to spice things up so you don’t die of bedroom boredom, there’s a new sexxxy service for you!

It’s called Sexy Tales, and here’s how it works:

It’s simple. You will call our system and record 10 short messages to create a multi-path “Choose Your Own Adventure” sex story. Our system will ask you for your partner’s phone number (only this number can retrieve your story). After you record your story, you will ask your lover to call another number to retrieve your story.

So basically, it’s a choose your own adventure — for your genitals!

The scripts that they’ve written are corny as hell — here’s an example from the dude one:

Hey gorgeous. Guess who this is? I am going to do my best to arouse you. That shouldn’t be too hard. Picture this: Me, taking my clothes o, piece by piece. Press 1 if you want me to strip you and kiss your body, press 2 if you want me to rub your body with scented oils.

I choose: AHHH NEITHER, YOU ROBOT MONSTER!!! But maybe if that was my boyfriend talking I’d all “ooh so sexy, YOU ROBOT MONSTER!!!” Luckily, you can totally write your own choose your own sexventure scripts.

This could be kinda fun just as something new — or maybe it would just be really fucking funny and then you could laugh about it and have sex because laughter is your mouth’s aphrodisiac!

I’m wondering… would this help people in long distance relationships? I don’t know, I’ve never been in one, because I’ve never underestimated the importance of body language, so I’m unsure. Any long distance relationshippers willing to give this a shot? I’ll totally get your script started. Voila:

Hi . Welcome to sexy adventure times. Press 1 if you want me to eat three bowls of Count Chocula. Press 2 if you want me to pee in the corner of this room.