Illustration for article titled Cheese Wife Speaks
Photo: Getty

Hello. It’s me. Melissa. Cheese Wife.

Some of you might know me from a now-deleted picture that husband tweeted on Friday. In picture, the composition of which evokes the 17th Century still-life portraiture of the Netherlands’ then-burgeoning middle-class, I am seen seated at restaurant. Before me, on table, sits a plate of beef and peppers, a basket of tortilla chips, a murky margarita, and a platter of shrimp covered in melted cheese—a common food at restaurant, any fan of restaurant will tell you.

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One might look at picture and see bountiful abundance, but not me. Not Melissa. Like a John Cage composition rendered in Tex Mex restaurant table with food on top of it form, all I sense when I gaze upon picture is lack. That which is not there. My need. My want. My fajita cheese, roughly shredded.

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Many on internet have mocked husband for tweeting the following words in defense of me (Melissa [Cheesewife]):

@MiCocina_TexMex My wife, date night after 3+ months locked up on quarantine. Waiting for shredded cheese as it’s the only way she can eat fajitas. We’ve asked 4 people, going on 18 minutes now. Just unreal at Allen, TX location. We gotta quit blaming #COVID19 for crappy service.

Some have even dubbed me “Cheese Wife” in an attempt at mocquérie, apparently unaware that I am, quite literally, Cheese Wife—one of the last remaining women to practice cheesewifery in United States today.

In case you are unaware of what being Cheese Wife entails, I am sworn, per vows I made many years ago, that I will eat fajitas with shredded cheese on them and only eat fajitas with shredded cheese on them. When husband said that “it’s the only way she can eat fajitas,” he was not lying. I would die.

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Some sects of cheesewifery also demand the Cheese Wives tip at least 20%, not harass service workers, not be annoying about slow service by tweeting about it, not go out to eat at restaurant during a global pandemic, and, if we do, that we wear a mask. But not me (Melissa). I am Reform.

So, you see? I am more than just internet’s “Cheese Wife.”

I am woman.

I am annoying.

I am Cheese Wife.

Me.

Melissa.

Freelance contributor

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