After bigoted duckpreneur and Sweetums stuntman Phil Robertson expressed his very strong preference for vaginal intercourse and his very pronounced disdain for gay people, the first question everyone asked was: Why is Duck Dynasty even a thing, anyway? The second question was: What does Charlie Sheen, himself a former object of the public’s ire, have to say about all of this?
The former question is unfathomable, but thanks to Twitter, the latter question has been answered quite thoroughly with what has been described as a Charlie Sheen poem, but what is probably just Charlie Sheen’s ordinary way of communicating:
hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertso!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)
It goes on like that for another eight stanzas, and while it’s nice to see Charlie Sheen using his superhuman powers of TIGER STRENGTH and LASER EYES and UNICORN STAMINA to advance social justice, it’d be nicer if the bird mafia (which is real and run, of course, by a shadowy family of velociraptors) organized a massive poop raid on Phil Robertson’s car. That would really show him. [Twitter]
- Bristol Palin wants to JUST LEAVE PHIL ALONE, GAWD! [Patheos]
- Scotland Yard (which is so much cooler than writing, simply, “the police”) plans on investigating Nigella Lawson‘s courtroom admission that she used cocaine. [BBC]
- Vin Diesel has been confirmed as Groot in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, which producers ought to sell to adult moviegoers as a fun opportunity to try hash for the first time. [USA Today]
- Master P is facing liens on all those taxes he didn’t pay back in 1999 and 2000, when he was using hundred-dollar bills to line hamster cages. [TMZ]
- So I guess this teaser for her new video “Adore You” features Miley Cyrus masturbating in either a tanning bed or an alien spaceship. The only really shocking thing about this clip, though, is the apparent fact that they make teasers for music videos. Weird. [Instagram]
- Helena Bonham Carter has signed up with Carey Mulligan to star in a period piece called Suffragette, which is described as a “based on true events” story that “revolves around the early feminist movement.” [Variety]
- Former American Gladiator Nitro has been hospitalized for a heart attack, which he blames on all the steroids he enjoyed back in the age of shameless spandex and chest waxings — the 90s. [TMZ]
- Dwayne Wade proposed to Gabrielle Union with the help of an enormous ring he stole from Smaug’s tresure hoard. Also, I feel like if Hoarders were still on the air it could’ve done a really delightful, cross-promotional show about Smaug in which the old dragon takes a camera crew through his mountains of gold splattered in cat shit, explaining the logic behind each of his yard sale purchases with long, rambling anecdotes. [CNN]
- Tom Cruise settled a $50 million defamation suit he filed against Bauer Publishing (owners of the fine In Touch and Life & Style tabloids) for claiming that he “abandoned” his daughter Suri during his divorce from Katie Holmes. [CNN]
- Diddy seems like a delightful father. [E!]
- This is Zac Efron taking pictures of the Lakers game with a Sega Dreamcast. [ONTD]
- Three 6 Mafia‘s Lord Infamous died Friday, Dec. 20 at his mother’s house in Memphis, apparently of a heart attack. He was 40-years-old. [Rolling Stone]
- Lorde says that if you have even a little talent, you can be famous. So why aren’t you famous, hmm? Is something wrong with you, you tremendous not-famous bore? JEEZ. [The Star]
- Britney Spears will have Christmas in Las Vegas because obviously that is what needs to happen, and sometime during dinner, she will stand up, demand quiet, and declaim, “The Sun whose rays are all ablaze with ever living glory, does not deny his majesty, he scorns to tell a story! He don’t exclaim, ‘I blush for shame so kindly be indulgent.’ But fierce and bold, in fiery gold, he glories all effulgent! I mean to rule the earth, as he the sky — we really know our worth, the sun and I.” [MTV News]
Image via Getty, Theo Wargo