Celebrity Valentine's Day Content, Ranked

Illustration for article titled Celebrity Valentine's Day Content, Ranked

On Sunday, happy couples around the world celebrated their love by exchanging chocolate and/or heart-shaped gifts, eating a nicer-than-average meal, and having longer-than-average sex. Famous people, being just like us and all, did this too—only for an audience of millions. Some did this well, and others did it poorly.


Below are 21 of the most notable celebrity Valentine’s Day posts, ranked from worst to best.

21. Reese Witherspoon & Jim Toth

  1. Nothing has ever been more boring than this Instagram.
  2. Reese sent this to herself.

20. Julianne Hough/Derek Hough & Their Mother

  • Though controversial, I believe the term “valentine” should be used exclusively when referring to romantic love. Are you romantically involved with yourself? Great. Another person? Also great. But your mother? Nope! Ring the alarm. Dial 911. I do not accept this, and have not accepted this since first finding it odd when some friends revealed that they always send their parents Valentine’s Day cards.
  • #MomsLoveToCry is one of the most upsetting and un-romantic hashtags I’ve ever seen.
  • I sort of thought Derek and Julianne were each other’s valentines.

19. Kourtney Kardashian & Her Kids

  • Because of their age, this is a more excusable version of child-to-mother Valentine’s Day love.
  • Does Reign love Kourtney less than P and Mason? Based on the size of his heart, it would appear that way.
  • Is that a cookie, a rice krispie treat, or a slice of pizza? Whatever it is, it looks gross.

18. Miranda Kerr & Her Son

  • I find mother-to-child Valentine’s Day love less irritating than child-to-mother Valentine’s Day love, but I despise this video.
  • Don’t make me finally try to figure out who you are, Miranda Kerr.

17. Amber Rose & Her Son

  • This is an adorable photo—much less irritating than Miranda’s video—and almost makes me OK with parent-to-child Valentine’s Day celebrations. But I have standards, so it must not be ranked higher than this.

16. Kylie Jenner & Tyga

  • The thought of a helicopter ride at sunset is sort of romantic.
  • The thought of Kylie and Tyga being in love is not.

15. Gigi Hadid & Zayn Malik

  • I’m not 100% certain that I believe this relationship will last.
  • I’m not 100% certain that I find a photo of Zayn sleeping next to a cat adorable, even though it’s something nearing peak internet content.
  • I 100% laughed to myself while imagining Gigi Hadid taking this photo and immediately waking him up after. “Baby, move. My leg’s asleep. Also mommy just called and I think she’s upset, so can you leave the room while we talk?”

14. Vanessa Hudgens & Austin Butler

  • Vanessa and Austin celebrated Valentine’s Day in Sedona, which is sort of romantic, what with the red rocks.
  • That heart is more poorly made than whatever it is Kourtney’s kids fed her.
  • Who is Austin Butler?

13. Lea Michele & Love, Which Surrounds Her

  • Though Lea Michele has a boyfriend (he might even be her fiancé?), she decided to celebrate the holiday more broadly, which I respect.
  • I like imagining Lea Michele reading the Sunday Times every week.
  • Who is Lea Michele’s boyfriend again?
  • Is Lea Michele’s boyfriend Austin Butler?

12. Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux

  • This is the first (and worst) of four basic-as-hell celebrity Valentine’s Day Instagrams.
  • Paris? The Eiffel Tower? Really, Justin? Think a little harder next year.
  • Jennifer Aniston still uses a Blackberry.

11. Ciara & Russell Wilson

  • This photo almost took #10, but there’s something about Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston flying to Paris for Valentine’s Day that is even more boring than a robot who goes by Russell buying Ciara flowers.
  • Talk about V-day!
  • Zing!

10. Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka

  • Whatever.

9. Amy Schumer & Ben Hanisch

  • Whatever.

8. Chrissy Teigen & John Legend

  • French toast is delicious.
  • I bet John Legend sang, “Dump alllllllll the bread, in alllllllll the eggs,” while making it.
  • Was this breakfast really served in bed? I see what appears to be a table underneath the plate.

7. Kerry Washington & Her Dog

  • There have been rumors going around that Kerry and her husband Nnamdi Asomugha will be divorcing soon, and this post does nothing but feed them.
  • Cute dog.

6. Oprah & Stedman

  • We’re nearing the 30th anniversary of Stedman and Oprah, and that’s cause for celebration.

5. Kim Kardashian & a Pile of Roses

  • I hope those things were de-thorned.
  • Or do I?
  • Because Kanye is too broke to afford roses, I’m going to assume Kim bought these herself.

4. Snoop Dogg & Shante Broadus

  • That corsage!
  • That boutonnieres!
  • That love!

3. Britney Spears & An Invisible Man

  • If this had been posted by anyone but Britney Spears, I would assume it was a playful joke about being single.
  • Because this was Britney Spears, I am going to assume she is dating an invisible man.
  • I hope Britney’s invisible boyfriend he’s friendlier than Hollow Man.

2. Rob Kardashian & Blac Chyna

  • Rob gave Blac Chyna three things for Valentine’s Day:
  1. An enormous piece of art covered in lyrics to their song, John Legend’s “The Beginning.”
  2. An enormous bouquet of roses.
  3. A dick of an unknown size.

1. Mariah Carey & James Packer

  • Their lips aren’t touching, darling.
Illustration for article titled Celebrity Valentine's Day Content, Ranked

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Images via Instagram and Twitter.



Here I am eating my February 15th, 75% off CVS chocolates