CBS Miami Writes Infantile Guide on How to Secretly Watch Hot Ladies

The main purpose of a news site is generally to inform its readers. Sometimes this means talking about politics, sometimes it means talking about the economy, sometimes it means talking about whatever it is that’s happening in your local area and sometimes what’s happening in your local area is LOTS AND LOTS OF SEXY SEXY LADIES.

Say you’re a reporter and the city or town that you’re working from has an unusually high population of these smoking hot mamas. Isn’t it your journalistic responsibility to expose this sexy underbelly and tell the world about it? That’s what CBS Miami did with “Best Places to Watch Hot Women” article and who among us can blame them?

Oh, right. We can.

CBS Miami — the Veronica Guerin of local news affiliates — recently posted this on their website:

Let’s face it, South Florida has some of the most beautiful women in the world. From tanned toned bodies on the beach to the next super model waiting for their big break, this is the place to be see some extraordinary women. For guys who like to check them out surreptitiously there are a couple of places to hang out and enjoy the view.

Let’s face it, this article is dumb. It’s not even a guide on how to meet beautiful women. It’s a guide on how to watch them (or rather to be see them). Like a serial killer.

The handy guide directs readers to five locales where they’ll be sure to find a very hot and watchable victim woman. Most of these spots are near the beach because few other places offer the same opportunities for staring and it’s the perfect place to dispose of a hot woman body. Other reasons: b00bz!

…Take a stroll across the street to the beach where you’ll find hundreds of beautiful women in bikinis (some even topless) stretched out on the sand enjoying an afternoon in the sun.

Some even topless?! AY CHIHUAHUA! HUMMINA HUMMINA! AWOOOOOOOOGA!

The beach isn’t the only place you can secretly watch sexy ladies. Assuming there are a lot tall potted plants or pillars you can hide behind, you can also secretly watch them at restaurants or at clubs because:

Every woman loves a night out.

It’s true! We do! Every single one of us!

Also:

Everyone is in party mood and the dance floors of the clubs get smokin’ hot with some incredible looking women after 11 p.m.

Wait a minute, CBS. Are you sure you’re talking about human women and not vampires?! They’re also known to be sexy and only come out around 11 p.m. Men, please be careful that you do not wander into vampire clubs after dark. Worst case scenario, you will be eaten. Best case scenario, your clothes will be ruined when the fire sprinklers start spraying blood.

If you’ve determined that it’s not a vampire nightclub, but is actually just a regular human nightclub, proceed with your creepy staring! Friendly reminder: don’t forget to bring your trench coat, Groucho glasses and newspaper to hide behind — otherwise, the incredible looking women might know that you’re watching them.

Stay on the lookout for upcoming CBS Miami articles “The Best Trees In Miami for Staring into Pretty Ladies’ Windows” and “How to Hide Your Boner While Wearing Board Shorts.”