Cat Massage Master Gives Dave Letterman Puss-Petting Tips

Cat massage expert Maryjean Ballner, who rocketed to internet fame when Everything Is Terrible posted her how-to videos, was on Letterman last night, where she informed Dave and the world that we've been petting cats wrong all our lives.

Maryjean's Cat Massage Don'ts:

1. Touching too fast
2. Touching with your fingertips only (use full palm).
3. Taunting the cat with a high-pitched squeaky voice.

Remember the rules!

Cat Massage Lady Maryjean Ballner [Late Show with David Letterman]

Related: If There was Ever a Win-Win Situation, it's Cat Massage! [Everything is Terrible]

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Aesop's Foibles.

Poor Henry/Pookie looks really uncomfortable. He's like, Bish, this stuff is private! I don't do the talkshow circuit, broadcasting all the ways you do and don't like being touched, now do I?!

FTR, I am so guilty of using a ridiculous voice when talking to cats. This is really embarassing, because it just comes naturally and I can't help it, so when I'm meeting a new cat for the first time-like for example at a friends' house or something-the voice just happens. It's my cat voice, okay? I'm not doing it on purpose, now stop looking at me and eachother like that! Sheesh. Anyway. Strangely enough, I do not ever talk to my dog that way. I use a normal speaking voice with him. I do however call him "Choopy" sometimes, even though that's not his name. I say it over and over again when I hug his neck. He tolerates it.