Cardi B 'Can't Even Fuck,' Is Stuck Watching Documentaries Instead

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Cardi B wants more sex, but she’s on her period, so she isn’t really feeling it. A common and extremely relatable problem!


On Instagram Live, while teasing fans with new music—a cruel thing to do, considering the drought of listenable tunes at the moment—Cardi B revealed that her period has grinded her sex life to a standstill. She admitted: “I have sex so many times, and now I’m on my period, and I can’t even fuck.” So what is she doing in the meantime? Well, “I just watch documentaries and watch movies.”

While left unsaid, one of those documentaries is obviously Tiger King. In March, she called for the release of Joe Exotic—did she ever finish the documentary?—while also (jokingly) blaming Carole Baskin for infecting a Bronx Zoo tiger with covid-19.


At the least, it’s nice to see Cardi has returned to her usual antics, considering she was recently hospitalized for severe stomach pains and weight loss. She’s feeling better, even if she has no appetite for fucking! Might I suggest, then, that she rewatch Desperate Housewives? It’s not a documentary, but it’s definitely gotten me through the last few weeks! [Page Six]

Would you pay close to a hundred bucks to watch Tori Spelling talk to herself?

The credit card enthusiast, who was sued last year over a refusal to pay back $205,000, told fans she’s be holding a “virtual meet and greet” on Thursday, April 9. On Instagram Monday, she claimed she “couldn’t wait,” and that there were only 20 spots left. (That post has since been deleted.) She also provided a link to Looped, a service claiming to offer one on one video chats with celebrities. The cost of admission? $95!

Image for article titled Cardi B 'Can't Even Fuck,' Is Stuck Watching Documentaries Instead

While clearly a moneymaking endeavor after the cancellation of her main source of income—the Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot—Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott’s cash grabs have grown rather perplexing to fans over the years. Frequently, she’s criticized for using her children in sponcon for things like Little Bites muffins.


If her deleted Instagram post is an indicator, then it appears she has read the room. But her Looped services are still being offered for Thursday, even if she isn’t advertising them on her social channels. [Us Weekly]


And now, a word from Britney Spears:


And now, an announcement from Kendall Jenner:

And lastly, a meltdown from Naomi Watts, who’s definitely doing fine:


  • Bindi Irwin got a wedding gift from Russell Crowe? [Us Weekly]
  • The Willis family quarantine seems relaxed. [People]
  • Meryl Streep’s daughter is getting a divorce. [Us Weekly]
  • Jennifer Aniston _____ on John Mayer’s _____ during last night’s _____, fans claim the two are _____ _____ or _____. [People]
  • Chelsea Handler is making bras into face masks. [ET]



During these extremely stressful times, the question on many people’s minds is “How much dick is Cardi B getting these days?”. Thank you for providing us with the answer.