Times Square hallmark Robert Burck, 46, also known as the Naked Cowboy, was born in Cincinnati, loves Donald Trump, wears underpants around everywhere, ran for president in 2012 as a member of the Tea Party, and thinks he is sexy.
Do you agree? With the last thing?
The Naked Cowboy is nearly hairless, except for on his head, eyebrows, chin, and legs, which grow less hair than mine. He has big muscles everywhere that muscles can get big. His skin, judging by these photos of him standing in the snow in his underpants, is as thick as buffalo hide. He also reportedly makes $150K per year. These are just facts about the Naked Cowboy. Here are some more data points to consider as you make your decision:
“I have an affinity with Trump. I get him,” the Naked Cowboy, who’s been making a lot of appearances in Trump Tower, recently told The New Yorker’s Andrew Marantz. He went on:
“We’re both media promoters, media whores, whatever you want to call it. People get hung up on political stuff, but I don’t care. Black, white, gay, transvestite—just stand up and make something of yourself. Look, my wife’s a Mexican immigrant. She still doesn’t have her papers. Maybe she’ll be the next to be deported, who knows? I don’t think he’d do that. But if he does, hey, that’s fate. Plus, it’s a nice thing to have hanging over her head—you know, ‘Do the dishes, or else.’”
Let me just get this out of the way: this was one of our most unanimous Would U exercises, a real feat, considering we have debated Ted Cruz, the CEO of Arby’s, and Terry Dubrow from Botched. No one on Jezebel’s staff, including myself, would have sex with the Naked Cowboy. (Deadspin’s Ashley Feinberg would, which hardly counts.)
Aimee: Jesus fucking Christ no.
Kelly Stout: Absolutely not.
Madeleine: Does he have an aeropress?
Joanna: Ya that’s a no from me.
Emma: No ma’am.
Joanna: Maybe if it was the 90s and TRL was still on.
Ashley Feinberg: Yeah probably.
Ashley: It would make for a really good blog, can you imagine?
Ellie: Yes it would Ashley, that’s a great idea for something you could do.
Madeleine: I would not.
Ashley: It would probably be extremely funny y’all are making the wrong choice.
Julianne: I’m sorry are you serious? FUCCCCKK no. Also if you go to Wyoming RIGHT NOW there are like 30 dudes who are identical to the Naked Cowboy who would be willing to bone any of us.
Ashley: Right but the blog wouldn’t be as good.
Julianne: I mean, I’d hook up with plenty of disgusting men. Just not the Naked Cowboy.
Ashley: Sucks that everyone who works at Jezebel is dishonest with themselves and with the cowboy.
Is there literally anyone out there besides Ashley who would bang the Naked Cowboy? And if not bangable, who is the Naked Cowboy? A bad man in his underwear? A mirage? Our next ambassador to Mexico?
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Donald Trump if he lived inside Jason Momoa? 10% answered “Yes,” 30% answered “No,” and 60% answered “What is wrong with you?”