The first thing we need to get out of the way is that these toys are probably for human use. Now we can freak out about this giant tongue thing like the fucking Victorians that we are!

The Daily Dot has unearthed incontrovertible proof that global juggernaut (where you can purchase books and toiletries at deep discounts) is selling dog toys that look suspiciously like they're made to have sex with. Whether they're meant to be dual-purpose or just marketed as dog toys because they're cheaper that way and sex toys are fucking expensive (how much for this stainless steel butt plug with an adamantium core?) there's no denying that these toys look like the toys you might use in your bedroom. (Or kitchen or basement. I recognize that different people like different things.) (Not the kitchen, though. That's not hygienic!)

Aside from the delightful Humunga Tongue you see above (come on) which is made of extremely durable natural rubber and is for small dogs โ€” ;] โ€” here are a few other toys that straddle the thin line between pet accessory and marital aid.

In my day, the PetProjekt Dogstik would have been called a "Swizzle Stick" and would retail for at least $29.99 at Good Vibrations. Fun fact: I opened a toy exactly like this in the middle of a school hallway on my 16th birthday. My friends were the best/humiliating.


This is clearly a fleshlight, although one that would probably cut you without proper corn starch use. It's also only $13.25, though, with free shipping. What's a little painful chafing for those kinds of savings? (Only eight left in stock.)


Butt plug; advanced beginner size:

Aaaaaaaand I'm out. Enjoy what can't be unseen, everyone!


Images via Amazon